28-04-2014, 06:21 PM
Okay, I need to be honest and vent a little, get something off my chest.
I probably come off as very positive on here, and I'm certainly trying! But in real life, I'm not very positive toward myself. I'm constantly muttering or thinking "I'm so stupid" "I'm so dumb" "Why am I so disgusting?" Things of that nature.
I stayed with my mom today because she's sick, and when she's sick, because she's already physically compromised as it is, it's more difficult for her than when other people are sick. She wanted me to stay with her, so I did. I was sitting with her with my hand on hers, watching her and waiting for her to fall asleep. So, since my mind was idle, I immediately started beating myself up, thinking "You didn't have to stay home today just to watch your mother sleep, what's wrong with you? This is probably all she's going to be doing. Did you really need to be around just for that? Why are you so irresponsible?" And I thought back "What I'm doing is a good thing. The Bible says to honor your father and your mother. I want to honor Mom the way she's honored me. Mom comes first, before anything else." And my brain immediately answered, "Wow, stop trying to act all noble. Why are you so arrogant? So what you do is 'good?' Try being humble for once." And it was like that snapped me out of it and I finally had the sense to be upset at that way of thinking and I teared up, asking myself "Why are you so hard on yourself? Why is it always like this?" It's like no matter what I do, in my head, it's the wrong thing, even if what I'm doing is technically good. I automatically think it's the wrong decision purely because I'M the one who made the decision. I somehow find the bad in it and blame myself. And I'm just now realizing how absurd that is.
I know all this self-inflicted negativity is bad for my NBE chances. I want it to stop, but I don't know how to turn it off, because I've done it for so long. It's second nature. I need to pray about it and ask God to help me get over myself and stop thinking about myself so much. I'm not especially "bad" or "wrong" just because I'm me. That notion unto itself is so self-absorbed (and, yes, I realize how ironic that statement is).
Anyway, I'm sorry about this post. I know it's very different from what I usually have to say. I'll be working on liking myself from now on.
I probably come off as very positive on here, and I'm certainly trying! But in real life, I'm not very positive toward myself. I'm constantly muttering or thinking "I'm so stupid" "I'm so dumb" "Why am I so disgusting?" Things of that nature.
I stayed with my mom today because she's sick, and when she's sick, because she's already physically compromised as it is, it's more difficult for her than when other people are sick. She wanted me to stay with her, so I did. I was sitting with her with my hand on hers, watching her and waiting for her to fall asleep. So, since my mind was idle, I immediately started beating myself up, thinking "You didn't have to stay home today just to watch your mother sleep, what's wrong with you? This is probably all she's going to be doing. Did you really need to be around just for that? Why are you so irresponsible?" And I thought back "What I'm doing is a good thing. The Bible says to honor your father and your mother. I want to honor Mom the way she's honored me. Mom comes first, before anything else." And my brain immediately answered, "Wow, stop trying to act all noble. Why are you so arrogant? So what you do is 'good?' Try being humble for once." And it was like that snapped me out of it and I finally had the sense to be upset at that way of thinking and I teared up, asking myself "Why are you so hard on yourself? Why is it always like this?" It's like no matter what I do, in my head, it's the wrong thing, even if what I'm doing is technically good. I automatically think it's the wrong decision purely because I'M the one who made the decision. I somehow find the bad in it and blame myself. And I'm just now realizing how absurd that is.
I know all this self-inflicted negativity is bad for my NBE chances. I want it to stop, but I don't know how to turn it off, because I've done it for so long. It's second nature. I need to pray about it and ask God to help me get over myself and stop thinking about myself so much. I'm not especially "bad" or "wrong" just because I'm me. That notion unto itself is so self-absorbed (and, yes, I realize how ironic that statement is).
Anyway, I'm sorry about this post. I know it's very different from what I usually have to say. I'll be working on liking myself from now on.