04-11-2015, 04:57 AM
There always seems to be a new surprise around each turn in lifes journey.
And i find it amazing,
Initially (as ive said before )warming up to the idea of this accidental modification was -is at times a bumpy process.
As much as i now want to brag on my girls ,,i have to admit at times there's still a cringe factor.
I found myself talking with one of my sons about the things i used to do when they were little,, about the things i did long before they were ever imagined in my life.
And I am confounded at times by the pride i still have in those physical accomplishments,, confounded that i can be pleasantly soaking in their memory and then a moment later im whipping up my titty shake, and examining the signs of healing in the mass that has replaced my pectorals .
This isnt an easily explained process,, it isn't like one train of thought is being replaced with another, or that im experiencing the tug of war that takes place within many men in this position.
Instead - oddly enough,,, Its like one filter of color is being layed over another,,,,,but that new shade is not covering the other , but mixing ,changing the tone, the color forever of both.
Im not sure if that is a good analogy, but its the clearest way i can express it.
The realizations , the new ways to view myself and the world are still mixing ,becoming one, and i almost at times feel guilty because there's so little anguish in the process.
That percentage of fear and self revulsion is slowly transforming to a new strange sense of calm , peace, and most importantly (acceptance).
Ive realized that i am the boy of my youth still, and the powerful man of my maturity. Im both and more,,.
As my chest has been healing from these surgeries ,( Ive realized that these incisions aren't the only wounds still mending ).
Just as every day there is less and less pain in my chest,, there are also fewer and fewer moments of question in this new fascinating mixture that is still my soul.
These are the first pics ive taken since the operations,, you can see the fresh wounds on one side, and the other has almost lost all its darkness, During my downtime ive gained 10 pounds,, ouch,, but ill be able to exercise again soon so that's temporary,,lol
And i find it amazing,
Initially (as ive said before )warming up to the idea of this accidental modification was -is at times a bumpy process.
As much as i now want to brag on my girls ,,i have to admit at times there's still a cringe factor.
I found myself talking with one of my sons about the things i used to do when they were little,, about the things i did long before they were ever imagined in my life.
And I am confounded at times by the pride i still have in those physical accomplishments,, confounded that i can be pleasantly soaking in their memory and then a moment later im whipping up my titty shake, and examining the signs of healing in the mass that has replaced my pectorals .
This isnt an easily explained process,, it isn't like one train of thought is being replaced with another, or that im experiencing the tug of war that takes place within many men in this position.
Instead - oddly enough,,, Its like one filter of color is being layed over another,,,,,but that new shade is not covering the other , but mixing ,changing the tone, the color forever of both.
Im not sure if that is a good analogy, but its the clearest way i can express it.
The realizations , the new ways to view myself and the world are still mixing ,becoming one, and i almost at times feel guilty because there's so little anguish in the process.
That percentage of fear and self revulsion is slowly transforming to a new strange sense of calm , peace, and most importantly (acceptance).
Ive realized that i am the boy of my youth still, and the powerful man of my maturity. Im both and more,,.
As my chest has been healing from these surgeries ,( Ive realized that these incisions aren't the only wounds still mending ).
Just as every day there is less and less pain in my chest,, there are also fewer and fewer moments of question in this new fascinating mixture that is still my soul.
These are the first pics ive taken since the operations,, you can see the fresh wounds on one side, and the other has almost lost all its darkness, During my downtime ive gained 10 pounds,, ouch,, but ill be able to exercise again soon so that's temporary,,lol
and in you Erin , and everybody here ive found that branch of my family,, (that REALLY understands me.) That's willing to not only put up with me,, but to always make me feel welcome as well. Now more than than ever that's very important,, thanks.