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I am in love but I think to love isn't enough .
#1
Hey queens,

So today I wanted to open up a bit . I am having personal issues, some are related to my fam members which it seems to improve day by day, but there's something (or someone) that is giving me lots of anxiety. 

The fact is, since I got sick in 2015 and by that time my (ex)boyfriend dumped at me - literally - I've had trust issues in every aspect of my life: family, friends, guys... and even though it's been almost three years , the way he acted to me made me feel so worthless that nowadays I always remember what are my priorities in life and what I should stand up for - and what's not tolerable anymore.

I know everyone is different and I don't have to compare my old relationships with new ones, but .... the thing is, I am in love with someone I know for years and we cannot be together due to distance : on call relationship is not an option, but we love each other and we feel on the same page. Or that is what I thought. 

He's been very supportive always and he is a nice guy, but since last year (around this month) he became more distant . And with distant I mean like, not talking to me. He talks to me once a week if I get lucky but normal average response are 3 to 4 weeks. This last time 6 weeks, he's been working in Asia . So you can picture myself asking what was going on.... between the distance (more than 1000km) and the lack of communication we have, today I told him I was mad about the situation because I feel there is something I miss : even he gets to talk to me once a week if I am lucky , he won't tell me about his day, his life, his worries ....anything. 
He thought I was talking like if he was hiding someone to me and we fought, obviously. I mean my mind makes a priority list people and he's on that list, but it seems I am not cause heck I don't know what is going on in his life.

I feel like he's messed with me , I'm a joke for him or whatever because I can't understand why he acts like this - he forgets about me and he gets back when he's bored or he has free time at work. The thing is I know there is something going on cause this changed a year ago, we used to have a better communication before. However, he denies it and it makes things worse because I've this feeling something is wrong and I don't want to pay all the consequences . 


I am not able to take more shit when I am always there for the people I love. Through pain I've learnt very useful and hurtful lessons, but I did. And I know I can't be with someone who realises I exist when he stops doing whatever he is doing, if that makes sense.


I believe in commitment but again I have this worthless feeling coming back . However I feel horrible because I love him but if there is lack of communication I can't build up a relationship where trust is not the base. 

I feel absolutely discouraged .
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#2
(20-06-2018, 12:34 AM)sweetorange Wrote: Hey queens,

So today I wanted to open up a bit . I am having personal issues, some are related to my fam members which it seems to improve day by day, but there's something (or someone) that is giving me lots of anxiety. 

The fact is, since I got sick in 2015 and by that time my (ex)boyfriend dumped at me - literally - I've had trust issues in every aspect of my life: family, friends, guys... and even though it's been almost three years , the way he acted to me made me feel so worthless that nowadays I always remember what are my priorities in life and what I should stand up for - and what's not tolerable anymore.

I know everyone is different and I don't have to compare my old relationships with new ones, but .... the thing is, I am in love with someone I know for years and we cannot be together due to distance : on call relationship is not an option, but we love each other and we feel on the same page. Or that is what I thought. 

He's been very supportive always and he is a nice guy, but since last year (around this month) he became more distant . And with distant I mean like, not talking to me. He talks to me once a week if I get lucky but normal average response are 3 to 4 weeks. This last time 6 weeks, he's been working in Asia . So you can picture myself asking what was going on.... between the distance (more than 1000km) and the lack of communication we have, today I told him I was mad about the situation because I feel there is something I miss : even he gets to talk to me once a week if I am lucky , he won't tell me about his day, his life, his worries ....anything. 
He thought I was talking like if he was hiding someone to me and we fought, obviously. I mean my mind makes a priority list people and he's on that list, but it seems I am not cause heck I don't know what is going on in his life.

I feel like he's messed with me , I'm a joke for him or whatever because I can't understand why he acts like this - he forgets about me and he gets back when he's bored or he has free time at work. The thing is I know there is something going on cause this changed a year ago, we used to have a better communication before. However, he denies it and it makes things worse because I've this feeling something is wrong and I don't want to pay all the consequences . 


I am not able to take more shit when I am always there for the people I love. Through pain I've learnt very useful and hurtful lessons, but I did. And I know I can't be with someone who realises I exist when he stops doing whatever he is doing, if that makes sense.


I believe in commitment but again I have this worthless feeling coming back . However I feel horrible because I love him but if there is lack of communication I can't build up a relationship where trust is not the base. 

I feel absolutely discouraged .

Okay this guy does not seem into you. I know that sounds harsh but he’s like you said obviously not thinking about you.

I always try to live life knowing that nobody owes me anything nor do I owe anyone anything (besides my kids) not even my husband. This way I can view life and come at it authentically and allow the people around me to be authentic as well. 

The people that care about you will show you that love. Souround yourself with the poeple who want to be with you. You deserve this.

Sorry for the rant lol. I’m sure you will figure it out you seem like a very smart girl....I know we all go though tough situations in life. 

I of course could be totally off too! I obviously don’t know the whole of your relationship. I know relationships and people are quite complex!
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#3
dear sweetorange. would we be human if we didn’t understand these feelings  ..if we were never a total mess. no. fuck no. i don’t know why i love this song so much but i listen to it often https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WgUQAlxf5o 

there are a lot of us human people who love love love to be loved and want someone to love us but may not be very used to giving love …you know, like reaching out and giving love. it’s ok, we’re all somewhere on this path. we need love, too. here’s something i found out when i was in school ..i always felt like i was less than  …or more awkward than   …or dumber than   ..i was always discounting myself but it dawned on me one day that almost every one of my classmates was experiencing the very same private feelings. i thought, no freaking way but, yeah, they freaking were …and people really do love it when you notice them, when you pay attention to them ..we’re the same in that way when others take notice of us. anyway, knowing this made me more inclined to be the one initiating things. 

sweetorange, the guy you’re wanting in your life you may already know ..the universe may have already placed him in your path. who knows. he may be waiting for you to say hello. look, that other guy, the one 1000km away, he has no idea what he’s let slip away. cheer up girl. remember to think more of yourself because you are more ..much more. you have as much faculty and power as any human that ever lived. but listen, before you remember to start feeling your power, it’s ok to be a mess for awhile. we’re human. strange and beautiful creatures.
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#4
Sweetorange,

I am so sorry to hear your story. I personally is also going through something right now so I can totally understand  your feeling. 

Relationship is hard and require work on both side. There are really two ways. First is to work on it, to build up trust between the two of you. but it requires BOTH of you to work on it. I find guys to be really dumb sometimes... ok a lot of times. Even if you think you clearly communicated with them, for some reason, they either ignore the seriousness of it or just don’t get it... you have to let them know not just how you feel, but how this is causing you anxiety etc, and proposed a solution. I recommend doing this when both of you are in a good mood. Timing is important.

Another way is to move on. The ladies here have a point. Self love, ain’t nobody can treat you like that and you deserve better. A real compatible partner should always lift you up instead of dragging you down.  Yes there will always be time for argument but he should never make you doubt yourself. 

I hope you feel better. We are all here to help. But the key is you have to believe in yourself and take action. PM me if you need me. Hug*
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#5
ah all i can say is, you are not alone. in my case its actually worst. he showed genuine interest in the first two months but then it started to fade from his side, whats worst is i see his comments on other girls and he dose has free time but oh well, i believe that everything happens for a reason. I know its like one of hard to swallow pills but i read a quote " if they lose interests quickly, they were never interested" but in your case i think its different. if you really love him, don't think about him, stop texting him until he's back from Asia and start over? I really hope you feel well asap I'm rotting for you girl and you know you can always pm me. and congrats on your new measurement! the D cup is coming soon for you YAY Wink
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#6
So am going from a different angle; maybe his creating distance because his hurting too? If his declared his love but timing is off maybe his decided longing for each other only makes it worst perhaps its a protection thing. He quite possibly could be spending his time else where, but is it meaningful, who knows. 

I know one particular thing if its meant to happen it will, my partner crossed paths constantly but i had just come out of a cheating relationship so i was f all men, but there he was again and again until i gave up, you cant fight the universe whether its something you want but its not meant to be or something you dont want thats meant to happen. Try accepting where your relationship is right now and open yourself up to all possibilities whether its this relationship or another one your unintentionally blocking because your focus is on this one. 
Learn to love whole heartedly again, we are all afraid to give everything and we sabotaged ourselves in process, theres nothing like being loved by another when they know everything about you and still love you with all your learnt insecurities and imperfections youve dreamt up. 

We are all here to experience what it is to be human, and one of the greatest human experiences is give and receive unconditional love to ourselves and others. 
Dont let your brain tell you the story, let your heart do its thing. LOVE.
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#7
Oh my dear SweetOrange,
I'm glad I waited to write, since you have many many excellent replies! What a great family we all are here. I love you all!


I have been in many long distance love affair in my 69 years. Actually most my love affairs were long distance.
So let me ask a few questions.
Of the years you've had this romance, how much time have you spent together?
Do you visit each other often? how often, and for how long?
I'm guessing you have been intimate? If not, well that might be the answer.


The male of our species has a limited 'romance span'. He is influenced by friends and surroundings to get out and sow his seeds. If he has succeeded in securing the love of a good woman and she is far away, and probably wont ever find out about his little extra curricular activities, then he will fall easily to temptation. You are the safe warm soft blanket that he can fall back on, while he puts his full efforts into having some FUN.
Its the same with marriage. When life is new there is conversation, togetherness, love, romance, FUN, etc. After sometime the newness wears off, bills must be paid, arguments happen, do we buy a house, should we have children, the car is broke and so are we. ie the FUN has left. The love is still there but buried under Stuff.

SO my only advice to you at this point is to put the FUN back in your relationship. Go see him. If you find that the affair is not working any more, then talk to your inner voice and see if you want to give it another go, or pack your beautiful wonderful fabulous gorgeous self up and move on.

One last bit:
You cant find love, love will find you.
Did you ever misplace something, like your keys for example, and you comb the house, your pockets, everywhere you might have left them to no avail?
Then you give up flop your self on the couch, only to find them lying on the table in full view?
Thats like looking for Love, just let Love come you! Your worth it.

Huggs
Bobbi
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#8
Thanks for such a good support my beautiful friends. Blush Blush Blush


He's back from Asia but obviously we don't live next to each other (in fact he lives in another country), I have to solve some things this month, he has to work as well... everything is a mess. He made clear he wasn't ignoring me but having a rough time in China (???) and he wants to see me this summer - the thing is if both of us are available , that's another story. I'd like to see him of course but on the other hand I have my own questions and every time I pop these questions to him he freaks out cause according to his words " this is about us, you should keep in mind we are one and all we are doing right now is to be in a better place in few years".

The point is, I told him all I had in my head this week and he did not get it at all , he thinks it is because of the distance, the hour difference in Asia and so on . And the truth is, what I am asking to myself all the time is if I am being played .

Like Bobbi said, I have this feeling of not knowing at all what is going on and maybe he is seeing someone else - He told me to give up that idea because it wasn't going to happen BUT I am aware we are young , both of us : we are 25 and the evidence of being dumb I get every single time I go out , I know tons of people who are dating someone but on Saturdays get the motivation to forget their partner and just have fun. Most of my male friends are this way , too . 

Furthermore, some months ago we were talking about how we were facing the distance and I told him when someone asks me out or for a date or something I'm honest and I say I am not dating someone but there is someone. His reply " It doesn't happen to me usually, and if it does, all I say I am busy with work and bank investment" My face was like .... okay, any of your friends know about me. Our common friends don't know what's going on? Plus, if someone asks you to go on a date you tell them how busy you are????
It shocked me .


He's out for the weekend , a wedding. You can imagine what I am thinking right now....
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#9
Hi sweetorange,
Aw to be 25 again. So much to experience and learn. By the way where in Europe are you?
So after having given much thought to you. It came to me.

I'd like to introduce you to Ho’oponopono and a link for your further research http://zero-wise.com
You will find a Joe Vitale touting his version, and I'll caution you to avoid him.
You can google Ho’oponopono and find the original from Hawaii, and lots more.

The concept is that when there is a problem that you get involved in, it means that YOU have some involvement in solving it. So your mantra of the day, and all day if your so inclined is to repeat " I'm sorry, I love you, thank you, please forgive me."
When I have a problem with my SO, I will often lie in bed, when I cant sleep because I'm PO'ed, and repeat the I'm sorry, I love you thank you, please forgive me, over and over.
It always take the anger away, and you'll see in the am that life is much better.
So try this when you feel your bf is not loving you like he should and you'll be surprised how much easier that life gets.

There are many stories that this technique also influence the recipient of the mantra.
Its quite amazing, give it a try, its free and once you begin you'll find this a wonderful tool just to be able to get through the day.
Hugs
Bobbi
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#10
(24-06-2018, 01:41 PM)Happyme Wrote: Hi sweetorange,
Aw to be 25 again. So much to experience and learn. By the way where in Europe are you?
So after having given much thought to you. It came to me.

I'd like to introduce you to Ho’oponopono and a link for your further research http://zero-wise.com
You will find a Joe Vitale touting his version, and I'll caution you to avoid him.
You can google Ho’oponopono and find the original from Hawaii, and lots more.

The concept is that when there is a problem that you get involved in, it means that YOU have some involvement in solving it. So your mantra of the day, and all day if your so inclined is to repeat " I'm sorry, I love you, thank you, please forgive me."
When I have a problem with my SO, I will often lie in bed, when I cant sleep because I'm PO'ed, and repeat the I'm sorry, I love you thank you, please forgive me, over and over.
It always take the anger away, and you'll see in the am that life is much better.
So try this when you feel your bf is not loving you like he should and you'll be surprised how much easier that life gets.

There are many stories that this technique also influence the recipient of the mantra.
Its quite amazing, give it a try, its free and once you begin you'll find this a wonderful tool just to be able to get through the day.
Hugs
Bobbi


I'm going to look into it it seems very interesting! Definitely your wisedom is great Bobbi!


PS: I live in Barcelona nowadays but I've been living in so many countries since I was a kid (U.S, England, Ireland, Italy, France mostly) so I am a world citizen Rolleyes jk jk I'm spaniard-catalonian !
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