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I am in love but I think to love isn't enough .
#1
Hey queens,

So today I wanted to open up a bit . I am having personal issues, some are related to my fam members which it seems to improve day by day, but there's something (or someone) that is giving me lots of anxiety. 

The fact is, since I got sick in 2015 and by that time my (ex)boyfriend dumped at me - literally - I've had trust issues in every aspect of my life: family, friends, guys... and even though it's been almost three years , the way he acted to me made me feel so worthless that nowadays I always remember what are my priorities in life and what I should stand up for - and what's not tolerable anymore.

I know everyone is different and I don't have to compare my old relationships with new ones, but .... the thing is, I am in love with someone I know for years and we cannot be together due to distance : on call relationship is not an option, but we love each other and we feel on the same page. Or that is what I thought. 

He's been very supportive always and he is a nice guy, but since last year (around this month) he became more distant . And with distant I mean like, not talking to me. He talks to me once a week if I get lucky but normal average response are 3 to 4 weeks. This last time 6 weeks, he's been working in Asia . So you can picture myself asking what was going on.... between the distance (more than 1000km) and the lack of communication we have, today I told him I was mad about the situation because I feel there is something I miss : even he gets to talk to me once a week if I am lucky , he won't tell me about his day, his life, his worries ....anything. 
He thought I was talking like if he was hiding someone to me and we fought, obviously. I mean my mind makes a priority list people and he's on that list, but it seems I am not cause heck I don't know what is going on in his life.

I feel like he's messed with me , I'm a joke for him or whatever because I can't understand why he acts like this - he forgets about me and he gets back when he's bored or he has free time at work. The thing is I know there is something going on cause this changed a year ago, we used to have a better communication before. However, he denies it and it makes things worse because I've this feeling something is wrong and I don't want to pay all the consequences . 


I am not able to take more shit when I am always there for the people I love. Through pain I've learnt very useful and hurtful lessons, but I did. And I know I can't be with someone who realises I exist when he stops doing whatever he is doing, if that makes sense.


I believe in commitment but again I have this worthless feeling coming back . However I feel horrible because I love him but if there is lack of communication I can't build up a relationship where trust is not the base. 

I feel absolutely discouraged .
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#2
(Today, 12:34 AM)sweetorange Wrote: Hey queens,

So today I wanted to open up a bit . I am having personal issues, some are related to my fam members which it seems to improve day by day, but there's something (or someone) that is giving me lots of anxiety. 

The fact is, since I got sick in 2015 and by that time my (ex)boyfriend dumped at me - literally - I've had trust issues in every aspect of my life: family, friends, guys... and even though it's been almost three years , the way he acted to me made me feel so worthless that nowadays I always remember what are my priorities in life and what I should stand up for - and what's not tolerable anymore.

I know everyone is different and I don't have to compare my old relationships with new ones, but .... the thing is, I am in love with someone I know for years and we cannot be together due to distance : on call relationship is not an option, but we love each other and we feel on the same page. Or that is what I thought. 

He's been very supportive always and he is a nice guy, but since last year (around this month) he became more distant . And with distant I mean like, not talking to me. He talks to me once a week if I get lucky but normal average response are 3 to 4 weeks. This last time 6 weeks, he's been working in Asia . So you can picture myself asking what was going on.... between the distance (more than 1000km) and the lack of communication we have, today I told him I was mad about the situation because I feel there is something I miss : even he gets to talk to me once a week if I am lucky , he won't tell me about his day, his life, his worries ....anything. 
He thought I was talking like if he was hiding someone to me and we fought, obviously. I mean my mind makes a priority list people and he's on that list, but it seems I am not cause heck I don't know what is going on in his life.

I feel like he's messed with me , I'm a joke for him or whatever because I can't understand why he acts like this - he forgets about me and he gets back when he's bored or he has free time at work. The thing is I know there is something going on cause this changed a year ago, we used to have a better communication before. However, he denies it and it makes things worse because I've this feeling something is wrong and I don't want to pay all the consequences . 


I am not able to take more shit when I am always there for the people I love. Through pain I've learnt very useful and hurtful lessons, but I did. And I know I can't be with someone who realises I exist when he stops doing whatever he is doing, if that makes sense.


I believe in commitment but again I have this worthless feeling coming back . However I feel horrible because I love him but if there is lack of communication I can't build up a relationship where trust is not the base. 

I feel absolutely discouraged .

Okay this guy does not seem into you. I know that sounds harsh but he’s like you said obviously not thinking about you.

I always try to live life knowing that nobody owes me anything nor do I owe anyone anything (besides my kids) not even my husband. This way I can view life and come at it authentically and allow the people around me to be authentic as well. 

The people that care about you will show you that love. Souround yourself with the poeple who want to be with you. You deserve this.

Sorry for the rant lol. I’m sure you will figure it out you seem like a very smart girl....I know we all go though tough situations in life. 

I of course could be totally off too! I obviously don’t know the whole of your relationship. I know relationships and people are quite complex!
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#3
dear sweetorange. would we be human if we didn’t understand these feelings  ..if we were never a total mess. no. fuck no. i don’t know why i love this song so much but i listen to it often https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WgUQAlxf5o 

there are a lot of us human people who love love love to be loved and want someone to love us but may not be very used to giving love …you know, like reaching out and giving love. it’s ok, we’re all somewhere on this path. we need love, too. here’s something i found out when i was in school ..i always felt like i was less than  …or more awkward than   …or dumber than   ..i was always discounting myself but it dawned on me one day that almost every one of my classmates was experiencing the very same private feelings. i thought, no freaking way but, yeah, they freaking were …and people really do love it when you notice them, when you pay attention to them ..we’re the same in that way when others take notice of us. anyway, knowing this made me more inclined to be the one initiating things. 

sweetorange, the guy you’re wanting in your life you may already know ..the universe may have already placed him in your path. who knows. he may be waiting for you to say hello. look, that other guy, the one 1000km away, he has no idea what he’s let slip away. cheer up girl. remember to think more of yourself because you are more ..much more. you have as much faculty and power as any human that ever lived. but listen, before you remember to start feeling your power, it’s ok to be a mess for awhile. we’re human. strange and beautiful creatures.
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