! Trigger warning: Profanity, mentions of s-!cidal thoughts !
Pretty much what the title says. I found this site about 2 years ago, kept trying to grow my breasts with flaxseed oil massages for several months, then I switched to just subliminals because I didn't have the discipline to do it on a regular day-to-day basis. All that I've tried has only noticeably worked on me in the very beginning and after a few weeks it would lose any and all effect, no matter what massages I did or how many different subliminals I tried listening to. I'm putting up a warning for censored profanity and s-!cidal thoughts, right now I can't find any other words that fit my thoughts better.
I never gained the self-confidence to be secure enough in my own body to not seek external validation about it. I would always break down crying to the boyfriend I was with at the time (now my ex, I mentioned him in my first post on the forums) about how utterly ugly and unlovable I am and he kept trying to convince me of the opposite for months before he completely gave up on me. I was braindead enough to never check who he follows on Instagram until after I broke it off with him after 2 years of being together and finding out he was already involved with some girl from his university course and he got together with IMMEDIATELY after we broke up - all hot women with all the curves and tits to show to the world were in his following list. That girl he got together with has everything, tits and ass, he's liked like half of her pics and posted stories with her regularly (never did with me) and also those of any girl with a great body in our town. Everything he's ever told me about me being "perfect just the way I am" and "all good things come in small packages" has always been a big fat sack of bullsh-t. Now I follow meme pages that he follows just so I can see the truth with my own eyes, pages that post all about the superior big tits with women whose single boob is twice the size of their heads and with nipples sticking out through their shirts and he's liked ALL of them. ALL. One post was a meme that said "A woman without curves is like a village without an elementary school - you don't know where to start" and YES he has liked it. And another one says "Ladies, I hope everything you eat during the holidays gets stuck to your tits!" and he HAS liked it. Everything I've eaten so far has only stuck to my f-cking stomach.
Everything was a big fat stupid f-cking lie that I clung to because nobody has ever desired my ugly flat body and he only "accepted" me because nobody responded to his advances. I was the one who initiated. I was the one he never paid attention to until he saw he could benefit from my desperation. Why not get into a relationship with the ugly little underdeveloped girl who you can get all the free sex from? The hotties are always out there to do anything you ever wanted to with that never crosses your mind for the flattie. I would always ask him if he's okay with my breasts. He always replied with "I have nothing against them" or "I like all boobs, size doesn't matter" even though he is a self-proclaimed boob guy (only told me that after I asked.) He would never even look at them at the beginning unless I prompted him and that enthusiasm was sooo fake but I ignored it willfully. He kept doing that after a few months of me reminding him to pay attention to my breasts and was fake every. Single. Time. I would ask him if he's only attracted to me and he would always answer something along the lines of "People are attracted to more than one person at once at all times, it's normal" - I only had eyes for him. In the last 6 months of our relationship he kept commenting about "hotties" he saw in person and how hot certain celebrities are. I'd ask why he never called me a "hottie" and it was never a straight answer with a comprehensible reason, I've blocked those "explanations" he gave me from my memory because they made me feel like utter sh-t because I was asking myself WHY NOT ME??! He forced trying to call me that a few times after that (he had NEVER called me ANYTHING like that before) and it was so f-cking fake and forced (and it felt like he was mocking me, I could tell by his tone of voice) that I told him to stop and he was happy to do so.
He was cheating one me with that girl he got with behind my back for months. He said it had "only" been for 2 months before we broke up but I knew he was lying, I know how he talks when he lies to me. God knows how many others and for how long he's been cheating on me with until that. Never saw any indication that any of them had my body type. This has a special kind of sting to it. The only guy who treated me like a human being and didn't bully me for the body I have and accepted my presence close to him would always get off to the big tits. You know what I said about him telling me that he "doesn't mind my tiny boobs" and that "size doesn't matter" (in the beginning of the relationship)? About a year into the relationship I got to talking with him about boobs and he said that "Any sane man likes boobs." - keep this in mind, I'll bring it up in a bit.
I got together with another guy a month after my breakup who made advances on me a few months prior to it. He approached me first and I was over the moon about it because he's the only guy who's ever approached me. What's been happening since he "got access" to me in the form of a relationship has ruined that completely. If he got with me for a reason, my looks and body were never it and it's k-lling me. I highly suspect he's a closeted gay who's just trying to prove to himself and his family and friends that he's attracted to women. He swears up and down that he "hates big boobs" and that "they look nasty". He'd show me his group chat with his friends on Instagram and show me how he would always send posts of girls with pretty small boobs while his friends sent posts with big boobs and he always says they look "disgusting". What I told you to keep in mind, that "any sane man likes boobs" - I think that's right. He never showed a single sign of attraction towards my body (except when my butt was kind of toned) - he never paid attention to my body during the act and he never ever looked at my boobs unless I asked him to (sound familiar?) and it's always fake and forced as a sort of "get it over with" thing. Now my ass is flat too because I didn't have the time to work out and I haven't heard him compliment my body in literal MONTHS - it's been over 6 months since he last complimented my body (butt). He has asked me several times to keep my shirt on when we had sex - started doing that about a month after we got together. He claimed he "liked it better" that way. We haven't had sex in 4 months. He told me then that he's not having sex with me anymore until February this year. That was in September. Last month he extended it until March this year. September 2023 to March 2024. A total of 6 months and still counting. Somebody just k-ll me already.
I would have broken up with him the second he told me that if I wasn't completely desperate. I was very much against that and kept trying to talk to him, I made it very clear that I'm not fine with that and that I feel completely undesirable. He acknowledged all that and he STILL had the nerve to keep telling me in my face, to this day, anytime I bring it up, "I'm sorry, I'm just not doing it until then." I know he'll keep extending this "curfew" until he can't take it anymore and just needs to put it anywhere to get off in 3 minutes. I've given up on trying to get my point across and waiting on appreciation. It's been almost a year wasting my life on him and 2 before that wasted on my ex. I can't take it anymore. I feel the need in my bones to break up with him but I'm so terrified that if I let go of the only person who ever showed interest in me I'll waste any and all chances I ever had to be in a relationship. I'm so exhausted but I'm so desperate.
It feels like I can never win. One time a guy fakes everything just so he can squeeze every last drop he can benefit from out of me, the other time the closeted non-straight guy uses me to hetero-affirm himself because he "hates curvy women". Not once a guy who genuinely desires me - because nobody desires my body (except desperate pedophiles). It's nearing 2am and I'm holding back screams and I'm crying and my head hurts. De-th would be better than suffering like this. I feel as if God or whatever higher power there is has specifically put me in this body that nobody desires so that I'll hurt and suffer because that's all I've been doing for far longer than 3 years. By now it's been about 10 years of the same agony. You can only be so optimistic about life until you can't escape the way people treat you because of your body your whole time on Earth. I can't see any way out of this than creating the boobs I always deserved who everyone else has by virtue of being alive, along with the praise and adoration they get from it. I want that too. I want to be normal. I want to be desired, not settled for. I want that so bad.
I don't want consolation. I don't want to hear any "sorries" or "this world is terrible", I already know very goddamn well everyone pities me and we live in a dumpster fire. I don't want to hear "Just love yourself and things will get better!" - they won't. As long as I stay in this ugly body things will never get better.
What I want is real, hard advice on achieving LASTING PHYSICAL RESULTS. Tell me the clearest, most straight-to-the-point and matter-of-fact way to get started. Everything I'm going to need to do, buy and be to make it work. Flaxseed oil with massages showed results on my breasts only for about a month before I started seeing a slight increase in size only before my period because of PMS. Subliminals that work on me are rare and only work for a few nights of overnight listening. My period is irregular. I can never predict my phases just by calculating the dates, it's like playing monthly bingo, it's also been light since I was about 13 (got it first at 12 years old). I have hirsutism. I'm physically underdeveloped in general, barely 150cm at 20 years old (turning 21 this month). Anything I will need to buy I'll afford with my student scholarship, the continuation of which I'm fighting tooth and nail for this month during exams. Help me start before I end it all, please.
Give me tough love. Don't spare me any details. I'm ready to exhaust every option there is before I either go under the knife or give up entirely and end it for good. I'm so sorry I'm talking like this now, I'm a mess and I don't see the point in life when I'm born at such a huge disadvantage to the majority of women in this world. It's like fighting an uphill battle that never ends. I need help and even more so, I need hope. Hope that if I'm not born with it, I can create it. Thank you for going through this stupid rant. If you relate to any of this, I hope it feels a bit better knowing you're not alone in your struggles. Wish you all the best in life and the best of luck on your NBE journeys. Love you guys.
Pretty much what the title says. I found this site about 2 years ago, kept trying to grow my breasts with flaxseed oil massages for several months, then I switched to just subliminals because I didn't have the discipline to do it on a regular day-to-day basis. All that I've tried has only noticeably worked on me in the very beginning and after a few weeks it would lose any and all effect, no matter what massages I did or how many different subliminals I tried listening to. I'm putting up a warning for censored profanity and s-!cidal thoughts, right now I can't find any other words that fit my thoughts better.
I never gained the self-confidence to be secure enough in my own body to not seek external validation about it. I would always break down crying to the boyfriend I was with at the time (now my ex, I mentioned him in my first post on the forums) about how utterly ugly and unlovable I am and he kept trying to convince me of the opposite for months before he completely gave up on me. I was braindead enough to never check who he follows on Instagram until after I broke it off with him after 2 years of being together and finding out he was already involved with some girl from his university course and he got together with IMMEDIATELY after we broke up - all hot women with all the curves and tits to show to the world were in his following list. That girl he got together with has everything, tits and ass, he's liked like half of her pics and posted stories with her regularly (never did with me) and also those of any girl with a great body in our town. Everything he's ever told me about me being "perfect just the way I am" and "all good things come in small packages" has always been a big fat sack of bullsh-t. Now I follow meme pages that he follows just so I can see the truth with my own eyes, pages that post all about the superior big tits with women whose single boob is twice the size of their heads and with nipples sticking out through their shirts and he's liked ALL of them. ALL. One post was a meme that said "A woman without curves is like a village without an elementary school - you don't know where to start" and YES he has liked it. And another one says "Ladies, I hope everything you eat during the holidays gets stuck to your tits!" and he HAS liked it. Everything I've eaten so far has only stuck to my f-cking stomach.
Everything was a big fat stupid f-cking lie that I clung to because nobody has ever desired my ugly flat body and he only "accepted" me because nobody responded to his advances. I was the one who initiated. I was the one he never paid attention to until he saw he could benefit from my desperation. Why not get into a relationship with the ugly little underdeveloped girl who you can get all the free sex from? The hotties are always out there to do anything you ever wanted to with that never crosses your mind for the flattie. I would always ask him if he's okay with my breasts. He always replied with "I have nothing against them" or "I like all boobs, size doesn't matter" even though he is a self-proclaimed boob guy (only told me that after I asked.) He would never even look at them at the beginning unless I prompted him and that enthusiasm was sooo fake but I ignored it willfully. He kept doing that after a few months of me reminding him to pay attention to my breasts and was fake every. Single. Time. I would ask him if he's only attracted to me and he would always answer something along the lines of "People are attracted to more than one person at once at all times, it's normal" - I only had eyes for him. In the last 6 months of our relationship he kept commenting about "hotties" he saw in person and how hot certain celebrities are. I'd ask why he never called me a "hottie" and it was never a straight answer with a comprehensible reason, I've blocked those "explanations" he gave me from my memory because they made me feel like utter sh-t because I was asking myself WHY NOT ME??! He forced trying to call me that a few times after that (he had NEVER called me ANYTHING like that before) and it was so f-cking fake and forced (and it felt like he was mocking me, I could tell by his tone of voice) that I told him to stop and he was happy to do so.
He was cheating one me with that girl he got with behind my back for months. He said it had "only" been for 2 months before we broke up but I knew he was lying, I know how he talks when he lies to me. God knows how many others and for how long he's been cheating on me with until that. Never saw any indication that any of them had my body type. This has a special kind of sting to it. The only guy who treated me like a human being and didn't bully me for the body I have and accepted my presence close to him would always get off to the big tits. You know what I said about him telling me that he "doesn't mind my tiny boobs" and that "size doesn't matter" (in the beginning of the relationship)? About a year into the relationship I got to talking with him about boobs and he said that "Any sane man likes boobs." - keep this in mind, I'll bring it up in a bit.
I got together with another guy a month after my breakup who made advances on me a few months prior to it. He approached me first and I was over the moon about it because he's the only guy who's ever approached me. What's been happening since he "got access" to me in the form of a relationship has ruined that completely. If he got with me for a reason, my looks and body were never it and it's k-lling me. I highly suspect he's a closeted gay who's just trying to prove to himself and his family and friends that he's attracted to women. He swears up and down that he "hates big boobs" and that "they look nasty". He'd show me his group chat with his friends on Instagram and show me how he would always send posts of girls with pretty small boobs while his friends sent posts with big boobs and he always says they look "disgusting". What I told you to keep in mind, that "any sane man likes boobs" - I think that's right. He never showed a single sign of attraction towards my body (except when my butt was kind of toned) - he never paid attention to my body during the act and he never ever looked at my boobs unless I asked him to (sound familiar?) and it's always fake and forced as a sort of "get it over with" thing. Now my ass is flat too because I didn't have the time to work out and I haven't heard him compliment my body in literal MONTHS - it's been over 6 months since he last complimented my body (butt). He has asked me several times to keep my shirt on when we had sex - started doing that about a month after we got together. He claimed he "liked it better" that way. We haven't had sex in 4 months. He told me then that he's not having sex with me anymore until February this year. That was in September. Last month he extended it until March this year. September 2023 to March 2024. A total of 6 months and still counting. Somebody just k-ll me already.
I would have broken up with him the second he told me that if I wasn't completely desperate. I was very much against that and kept trying to talk to him, I made it very clear that I'm not fine with that and that I feel completely undesirable. He acknowledged all that and he STILL had the nerve to keep telling me in my face, to this day, anytime I bring it up, "I'm sorry, I'm just not doing it until then." I know he'll keep extending this "curfew" until he can't take it anymore and just needs to put it anywhere to get off in 3 minutes. I've given up on trying to get my point across and waiting on appreciation. It's been almost a year wasting my life on him and 2 before that wasted on my ex. I can't take it anymore. I feel the need in my bones to break up with him but I'm so terrified that if I let go of the only person who ever showed interest in me I'll waste any and all chances I ever had to be in a relationship. I'm so exhausted but I'm so desperate.
It feels like I can never win. One time a guy fakes everything just so he can squeeze every last drop he can benefit from out of me, the other time the closeted non-straight guy uses me to hetero-affirm himself because he "hates curvy women". Not once a guy who genuinely desires me - because nobody desires my body (except desperate pedophiles). It's nearing 2am and I'm holding back screams and I'm crying and my head hurts. De-th would be better than suffering like this. I feel as if God or whatever higher power there is has specifically put me in this body that nobody desires so that I'll hurt and suffer because that's all I've been doing for far longer than 3 years. By now it's been about 10 years of the same agony. You can only be so optimistic about life until you can't escape the way people treat you because of your body your whole time on Earth. I can't see any way out of this than creating the boobs I always deserved who everyone else has by virtue of being alive, along with the praise and adoration they get from it. I want that too. I want to be normal. I want to be desired, not settled for. I want that so bad.
I don't want consolation. I don't want to hear any "sorries" or "this world is terrible", I already know very goddamn well everyone pities me and we live in a dumpster fire. I don't want to hear "Just love yourself and things will get better!" - they won't. As long as I stay in this ugly body things will never get better.
What I want is real, hard advice on achieving LASTING PHYSICAL RESULTS. Tell me the clearest, most straight-to-the-point and matter-of-fact way to get started. Everything I'm going to need to do, buy and be to make it work. Flaxseed oil with massages showed results on my breasts only for about a month before I started seeing a slight increase in size only before my period because of PMS. Subliminals that work on me are rare and only work for a few nights of overnight listening. My period is irregular. I can never predict my phases just by calculating the dates, it's like playing monthly bingo, it's also been light since I was about 13 (got it first at 12 years old). I have hirsutism. I'm physically underdeveloped in general, barely 150cm at 20 years old (turning 21 this month). Anything I will need to buy I'll afford with my student scholarship, the continuation of which I'm fighting tooth and nail for this month during exams. Help me start before I end it all, please.
Give me tough love. Don't spare me any details. I'm ready to exhaust every option there is before I either go under the knife or give up entirely and end it for good. I'm so sorry I'm talking like this now, I'm a mess and I don't see the point in life when I'm born at such a huge disadvantage to the majority of women in this world. It's like fighting an uphill battle that never ends. I need help and even more so, I need hope. Hope that if I'm not born with it, I can create it. Thank you for going through this stupid rant. If you relate to any of this, I hope it feels a bit better knowing you're not alone in your struggles. Wish you all the best in life and the best of luck on your NBE journeys. Love you guys.
