20-04-2010, 23:19
OK... I may have told you all a while back that I got very busy and stressed out earlier this year, and that I had to put NBE on hold for a while. I would like to take some time now to explain why.
Around the time I left the old NBE forums, I was diagnosed with two very rare conditions known as vulvodynia and vaginismus. Basically this means that I am physically not able to have sex. At least not pleasurable sex. I was born a trimester premature and as a result, my doctors think that my nerves werent able to form correctly in that region of my body. As a result, I am forced to put up with an excruciating amount of pain.
This year I fell in love for the very first time. It was wonderful at first. It totally changed the way NBE was working with me. I had to buy a new bra almost instantly after I met my boyfriend. I was still a virgin then. I then went to california for college. But I moved back home this december, because my parents divorced and could no longer pay the out-of-state tuition. (The college turned out to be a commuter school anyway, though, so I didn't mind.) I was so excited to lose my virginity. But all I felt was pain. We tried doing other things, and I only felt pain. We tried different things, at different times, in different ways, and I could only feel pain. Sometimes I can't even use the bathroom. It doesn't matter what I do, but if I am touched there, I feel like I'm being stabbed. Not an infection, not in my head, but simply as the result of damage to the nervous system.
I haven't thought much about NBE since then. NBE, and breasts in general, remind me of sexuality. I try to keep myself extremely busy by working and studying, so that I literally have no time to think about sex. I tutor elementary kids right now as my first job, which totally eliminates my sexual drive. I am exhausted I don't have much of a life anymore.
I am also a runway model now, which is an amazing and surreal feeling because, you figure, I have all this negativity surrounding me otherwise, and at the same time I have finally fulfiled a dream I had in life. It was my dream to be a model and now I am one. I can't even believe it.
If it werent for modeling, I'd probably have no reason to go back to NBE right now. modeling is a very sexually-driven thing for me. It's the one thing right now in which I can feel sexy, without actually thinking about having sex. And modeling also inspires me to eat more. I know that sounds odd, since models are supposed to be size 0s, or whatever. But the only models I've ever liked are ones who are all around a size 6.(Elizabeth Hurley, for example) I am 5'8" and 117 lbs and am a size 2. I would love to gain 10 lbs. I eat and eat and eat and the food goes nowhere, but I'll keep trying so long as I know it'll work eventually. and more food equals better NBE (my goal is still 36Cs/Ds)...
All the while, my boyfriend has stayed with me, and loves me for who I am and despite what I am going through. I love that. Who would have thought that you can be with a sexy guy who is also incredibly intelligent, funny, and caring/thoughtful? It's possible... and I think I've been truly blessed to have been given that right now... despite my other problem.
So, when I feel the time is right, I'll repost my program here, from the other boards. I'll probably condense it, and there will be changes of course, since there are a few new things I might like to try this time around. I haven't done hypnosis in a very long time. I might just do that again. We'll see. In the mean time, thank you to all of you who have just read this. It means a lot to me.
Around the time I left the old NBE forums, I was diagnosed with two very rare conditions known as vulvodynia and vaginismus. Basically this means that I am physically not able to have sex. At least not pleasurable sex. I was born a trimester premature and as a result, my doctors think that my nerves werent able to form correctly in that region of my body. As a result, I am forced to put up with an excruciating amount of pain.
This year I fell in love for the very first time. It was wonderful at first. It totally changed the way NBE was working with me. I had to buy a new bra almost instantly after I met my boyfriend. I was still a virgin then. I then went to california for college. But I moved back home this december, because my parents divorced and could no longer pay the out-of-state tuition. (The college turned out to be a commuter school anyway, though, so I didn't mind.) I was so excited to lose my virginity. But all I felt was pain. We tried doing other things, and I only felt pain. We tried different things, at different times, in different ways, and I could only feel pain. Sometimes I can't even use the bathroom. It doesn't matter what I do, but if I am touched there, I feel like I'm being stabbed. Not an infection, not in my head, but simply as the result of damage to the nervous system.
I haven't thought much about NBE since then. NBE, and breasts in general, remind me of sexuality. I try to keep myself extremely busy by working and studying, so that I literally have no time to think about sex. I tutor elementary kids right now as my first job, which totally eliminates my sexual drive. I am exhausted I don't have much of a life anymore.
I am also a runway model now, which is an amazing and surreal feeling because, you figure, I have all this negativity surrounding me otherwise, and at the same time I have finally fulfiled a dream I had in life. It was my dream to be a model and now I am one. I can't even believe it.
If it werent for modeling, I'd probably have no reason to go back to NBE right now. modeling is a very sexually-driven thing for me. It's the one thing right now in which I can feel sexy, without actually thinking about having sex. And modeling also inspires me to eat more. I know that sounds odd, since models are supposed to be size 0s, or whatever. But the only models I've ever liked are ones who are all around a size 6.(Elizabeth Hurley, for example) I am 5'8" and 117 lbs and am a size 2. I would love to gain 10 lbs. I eat and eat and eat and the food goes nowhere, but I'll keep trying so long as I know it'll work eventually. and more food equals better NBE (my goal is still 36Cs/Ds)...
All the while, my boyfriend has stayed with me, and loves me for who I am and despite what I am going through. I love that. Who would have thought that you can be with a sexy guy who is also incredibly intelligent, funny, and caring/thoughtful? It's possible... and I think I've been truly blessed to have been given that right now... despite my other problem.
So, when I feel the time is right, I'll repost my program here, from the other boards. I'll probably condense it, and there will be changes of course, since there are a few new things I might like to try this time around. I haven't done hypnosis in a very long time. I might just do that again. We'll see. In the mean time, thank you to all of you who have just read this. It means a lot to me.