07-03-2011, 08:08
Hello LovingMum,
I am one who is not "open minded" about something like this.
I somewhat disagree that it didn’t go well. I think that you having spoken with him means that it went very well. The ice is broken.
Facination is a word that softens the blow so that you will accept it and I would be highly suspicious of that kind of language. But facination or not, it is still unacceptable and should not be encouraged.
I think that you are firmly well founded in your love and concern for your son and what he has done to himself, particularly while he was a minor. If this happened to any of my children I would be devastated! If this is how you feel, then I think that I can empathize with your position.
>>"I feel guilty about posting this and great concern over what he has done to himself. What i really want is to get to the bottom of his problem and hopefully reverse what has been done.
I really would like some opinion's, is it to late to reverse this ?"
It is never too late to reverse this. However, the desire to change must be his decision since he is now an adult. Contrary to the "accept him as he is" attitude, it would be better to help him understand and accept that you love him no matter what. Based on what you have written it appears that he already knows that you love him, the two previous posts appear plausible answers as to why he has not informed you.
If you have a religious background this may be the very apparent reason why he did not inform you. He also needs to know that his behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Again, he probably already knows, but he needs to understand that right is right, and wrong is wrong, and that this behavior is wrong.
As far as reversal goes, I would not define reversal in terms of the physical change at this point. I think it is reversible with help from competent physician, endocrinologist and psychiatrist. Real change must come from within - when he decides for himself that he has made a mistake and wants to correct it. If you want to influence that, the first step is to be crystal clear in your language that it is a mistake, totally wrong, unacceptable, etc. Beyond that, it will take some research into how it started and progressed.
Attitudes of acceptance, tolerance, “you are born that way”, "there is no right or wrong" and the like are definitely part of the problem. Society of full of this kind of thinking, it appears that you may be in agreement with society by promising to support him. If you are of this opinion also, then why should he seek change? Support (i.e. acceptance and no resistence from his mother) are exactly what he wants. Support in the form of tough love may be what he needs.
You have already identified some major parts of the problem:
1. No father., or male influence.
2. Bullying.
3. Late puberty/development.
4. The moral decline of what was once a civilization based on the belief that morality is defined by God and we should conform ourselves to that standard.
Put those together and you have a situation where he had no father for support for his development as a man, no one to teach him how to handle bullies, and a formula for bullies calling him names; i.e. gay, etc. The picture that you posted shows how far down the road he is. Then you have the morally bankrupt influence over him in school, entertainment, and especially on websites that accept and sometimes promote that behavior - like this website. (Which is one of the main reasons I rarely post here anymore. Your story is proof of the damage done to young impressionable people when the presence of gays/transexuals/cross dressers, etc. is tolerated. It is my position that their position and presense should not be tolerated. Evil should not be tolerated.)
I do agree conceptually with what has been said above regarding communication, generally that communication is the key at this point. There are more keys. But don't communicate something that will make it worse. As a parent, you have a duty to stick to your standards. Toleration and acceptance of that which is wrong/a mistake is not going to fix the problem. It is one of the ways that the problem was allowed to get to this point.
Also be prepared that this will not happen overnight, if at all.
As a parent, I would have a few questions:
* Where is he getting the money for his manboob project?
If I were in your position and I was the source of the funding, then I would cut off the funding immediately. If he has a job, then he should be helping to pay the bills or be on his own. Sometimes “tough love” is what children need in order to experience reality. One of the balances here is that the last thing he may need is to be kicked out into the open arms of those who drove him to this mistake. It is something that you will have to judge for yourself. But in my opinion he should not be supported in a manner that gives him no resistance.
* How is he getting prescription strength drugs without a prescription? What doctors did he see? Who gave him help as a minor? Where was the parental consent?
If it were me, and my child was getting illegal drugs from any source (pre 18 years old), especially after causing damage like this, there would be serious legal consequences for the supplier. Same with any doctors.
* What is the effect on your 17 year old daughter? Does she know? Is she in similar trouble?
If it were me, I would put at least equal emphasis and attention on her, maybe even before bringing it up with him. Try to learn as much about her as you have done with your son, if you can. Pull her closer now!
Again, in my opinion, tolerance and acceptance is not the way to go when trying to correct a problem. Identifying that there is a problem is job #1, and this cannot be done in a world where tolerance ultimately leads to acceptance.
Wahaika
I am one who is not "open minded" about something like this.
I somewhat disagree that it didn’t go well. I think that you having spoken with him means that it went very well. The ice is broken.
Facination is a word that softens the blow so that you will accept it and I would be highly suspicious of that kind of language. But facination or not, it is still unacceptable and should not be encouraged.
I think that you are firmly well founded in your love and concern for your son and what he has done to himself, particularly while he was a minor. If this happened to any of my children I would be devastated! If this is how you feel, then I think that I can empathize with your position.
>>"I feel guilty about posting this and great concern over what he has done to himself. What i really want is to get to the bottom of his problem and hopefully reverse what has been done.
I really would like some opinion's, is it to late to reverse this ?"
It is never too late to reverse this. However, the desire to change must be his decision since he is now an adult. Contrary to the "accept him as he is" attitude, it would be better to help him understand and accept that you love him no matter what. Based on what you have written it appears that he already knows that you love him, the two previous posts appear plausible answers as to why he has not informed you.
If you have a religious background this may be the very apparent reason why he did not inform you. He also needs to know that his behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Again, he probably already knows, but he needs to understand that right is right, and wrong is wrong, and that this behavior is wrong.
As far as reversal goes, I would not define reversal in terms of the physical change at this point. I think it is reversible with help from competent physician, endocrinologist and psychiatrist. Real change must come from within - when he decides for himself that he has made a mistake and wants to correct it. If you want to influence that, the first step is to be crystal clear in your language that it is a mistake, totally wrong, unacceptable, etc. Beyond that, it will take some research into how it started and progressed.
Attitudes of acceptance, tolerance, “you are born that way”, "there is no right or wrong" and the like are definitely part of the problem. Society of full of this kind of thinking, it appears that you may be in agreement with society by promising to support him. If you are of this opinion also, then why should he seek change? Support (i.e. acceptance and no resistence from his mother) are exactly what he wants. Support in the form of tough love may be what he needs.
You have already identified some major parts of the problem:
1. No father., or male influence.
2. Bullying.
3. Late puberty/development.
4. The moral decline of what was once a civilization based on the belief that morality is defined by God and we should conform ourselves to that standard.
Put those together and you have a situation where he had no father for support for his development as a man, no one to teach him how to handle bullies, and a formula for bullies calling him names; i.e. gay, etc. The picture that you posted shows how far down the road he is. Then you have the morally bankrupt influence over him in school, entertainment, and especially on websites that accept and sometimes promote that behavior - like this website. (Which is one of the main reasons I rarely post here anymore. Your story is proof of the damage done to young impressionable people when the presence of gays/transexuals/cross dressers, etc. is tolerated. It is my position that their position and presense should not be tolerated. Evil should not be tolerated.)
I do agree conceptually with what has been said above regarding communication, generally that communication is the key at this point. There are more keys. But don't communicate something that will make it worse. As a parent, you have a duty to stick to your standards. Toleration and acceptance of that which is wrong/a mistake is not going to fix the problem. It is one of the ways that the problem was allowed to get to this point.
Also be prepared that this will not happen overnight, if at all.
As a parent, I would have a few questions:
* Where is he getting the money for his manboob project?
If I were in your position and I was the source of the funding, then I would cut off the funding immediately. If he has a job, then he should be helping to pay the bills or be on his own. Sometimes “tough love” is what children need in order to experience reality. One of the balances here is that the last thing he may need is to be kicked out into the open arms of those who drove him to this mistake. It is something that you will have to judge for yourself. But in my opinion he should not be supported in a manner that gives him no resistance.
* How is he getting prescription strength drugs without a prescription? What doctors did he see? Who gave him help as a minor? Where was the parental consent?
If it were me, and my child was getting illegal drugs from any source (pre 18 years old), especially after causing damage like this, there would be serious legal consequences for the supplier. Same with any doctors.
* What is the effect on your 17 year old daughter? Does she know? Is she in similar trouble?
If it were me, I would put at least equal emphasis and attention on her, maybe even before bringing it up with him. Try to learn as much about her as you have done with your son, if you can. Pull her closer now!
Again, in my opinion, tolerance and acceptance is not the way to go when trying to correct a problem. Identifying that there is a problem is job #1, and this cannot be done in a world where tolerance ultimately leads to acceptance.
Wahaika