06-09-2011, 20:33
OK Pansy Mae,
Chances are you're right. But I still want to give Bibi the tools to give this a go. She can get hurt, but doing nothing will haunt her.
Bibi,
Now you've given this much detail, it looks exactly like what a friend of mine is going through. After her divorce, she was with three other men before the good friend of long ago decided to make a move. She's not a bitch either, divorce just does that. They are together now, but he is not comfortable with talking sex and with moving into one house.
She thinks it's insecurity, Cheryl may well be right. But being older, I also see a developmental issue. There are two lives moving at different paces in different directions. Both have had their disappointments. So how do you build trust? And how do you make sure both of you have enough grip on your life to be able to merge them for what it adds, and not out of need?
What I advised her is to avoid stress. Going on vacation together is very awkward. They did, but she avoided discussing their future and the issues in their relationship. She also avoids anything anxiogenic, even coffee. She talks to her analyst about issues like neediness, so that doesn't distort the conversations with her man. I also advised her to just say so if she needs time to process things herself, without leaving the impression that there is still a big discussion left hanging in the air, waiting to become a thunderstorm.
Once she managed to lower the general level of anxiety in her life, things sort of started to take care of themselves. She suddenly found a new job. The location takes the sting out of the discussion about moving into one house or not. I spend more time with her on the phone and shopping, so she has some girl talk outside her relationship. Exchanging their fantasies is slowly becoming easier.
Teenagers naturally adapt to make room for one another in their lives. Think back to the stupid things and the sacrifices you would not have thought twice about then. OK, you're older and wiser now and you'll be happy you are if he's not right for you. But there is something about first love that takes an effort to re-create.
Chances are you're right. But I still want to give Bibi the tools to give this a go. She can get hurt, but doing nothing will haunt her.
Bibi,
Now you've given this much detail, it looks exactly like what a friend of mine is going through. After her divorce, she was with three other men before the good friend of long ago decided to make a move. She's not a bitch either, divorce just does that. They are together now, but he is not comfortable with talking sex and with moving into one house.
She thinks it's insecurity, Cheryl may well be right. But being older, I also see a developmental issue. There are two lives moving at different paces in different directions. Both have had their disappointments. So how do you build trust? And how do you make sure both of you have enough grip on your life to be able to merge them for what it adds, and not out of need?
What I advised her is to avoid stress. Going on vacation together is very awkward. They did, but she avoided discussing their future and the issues in their relationship. She also avoids anything anxiogenic, even coffee. She talks to her analyst about issues like neediness, so that doesn't distort the conversations with her man. I also advised her to just say so if she needs time to process things herself, without leaving the impression that there is still a big discussion left hanging in the air, waiting to become a thunderstorm.
Once she managed to lower the general level of anxiety in her life, things sort of started to take care of themselves. She suddenly found a new job. The location takes the sting out of the discussion about moving into one house or not. I spend more time with her on the phone and shopping, so she has some girl talk outside her relationship. Exchanging their fantasies is slowly becoming easier.
Teenagers naturally adapt to make room for one another in their lives. Think back to the stupid things and the sacrifices you would not have thought twice about then. OK, you're older and wiser now and you'll be happy you are if he's not right for you. But there is something about first love that takes an effort to re-create.