19-05-2013, 14:18
I am also extremely spiritual. I am of Mormon upbringing with Native American blood running in my veins.
Something you ought seriously consider doing is taking a bit of a spirit journey deep into your own soul. Though I don't think it's really all that necessary for you.
You aren't doing nearly so well at hiding from yourself as I had done from a very young age until just 2 years ago.
Because I hid so well I never went through most of the things you've been through, though I still had severe depression and never felt as though I "fit" anywhere. It wasn't even that I was just unique, it felt like I was completely alone in the way I felt and thought and acted.
I preferred female company, however. I was able to relax more and just enjoy their company. Amongst males I was constantly on guard though I never really understood why.
Anyway... What I'm saying is... Girl. You're a woman too. Just like me. There are parts of being women that we'll never experience, and it's a true shame, I'd give ANYTHING to be able to be a genetic woman.
So yes. Seek God. Talk to him completely and honestly. Seek out the depths of your own soul and realize. You are a woman.
Letting "them" win is staying the way things are now. That's what all your abusers have aimed to do in their torture of you, keep you in "your place". They could feel the femaleness in your soul but refused to accept it because of the maleness of your shell.
I honestly don't know which of us had it the "better" in our pasts... I hardly have any memories of my young life at all, and what I have is hazy and foggy. You may have had to suffer immeasurably, but you do have memories... Though most of them may be more painful than any of mine.
Do this first, then come back to us and we can help you start the rest of your journey.
Something you ought seriously consider doing is taking a bit of a spirit journey deep into your own soul. Though I don't think it's really all that necessary for you.
You aren't doing nearly so well at hiding from yourself as I had done from a very young age until just 2 years ago.
Because I hid so well I never went through most of the things you've been through, though I still had severe depression and never felt as though I "fit" anywhere. It wasn't even that I was just unique, it felt like I was completely alone in the way I felt and thought and acted.
I preferred female company, however. I was able to relax more and just enjoy their company. Amongst males I was constantly on guard though I never really understood why.
Anyway... What I'm saying is... Girl. You're a woman too. Just like me. There are parts of being women that we'll never experience, and it's a true shame, I'd give ANYTHING to be able to be a genetic woman.
So yes. Seek God. Talk to him completely and honestly. Seek out the depths of your own soul and realize. You are a woman.
Letting "them" win is staying the way things are now. That's what all your abusers have aimed to do in their torture of you, keep you in "your place". They could feel the femaleness in your soul but refused to accept it because of the maleness of your shell.
I honestly don't know which of us had it the "better" in our pasts... I hardly have any memories of my young life at all, and what I have is hazy and foggy. You may have had to suffer immeasurably, but you do have memories... Though most of them may be more painful than any of mine.
Do this first, then come back to us and we can help you start the rest of your journey.