(11-02-2014, 01:01)timarie Wrote: However...
I... hate that saying!! As the metaphor implies, a person gets a craving for something else and then goes to where he gets a comparable thing (to appease the craving for the other thing) for free. My personal opinion is that a healthy relationship is not about that, as I mentioned above, I believe people can see and admire beauty without craving or desiring it. Or, in the metaphor, they can smell the nice food but not get up an appetite over it. But, despite the fact that you used this metaphor which makes me cringe, it doesn't seem to describe your relationship (so kinda weird that you used it...).
I don't have a problem with the metaphor. I think it is quite apt for many people, perhaps most people, and especially men like me. I don't think your comparison to "beauty" is perfectly apt for reasons so subtle and complex I can't afford the time to write my explanation.
I do like your use of the food and smell analogy but I think you took the wrong lessons from it. Oftentimes the smell of good food triggers hunger cravings. Those cravings may have been there all along but you might not have noticed them so much being busy with other things. About the only time the smell of good food doesn't trigger hunger in me is when I'm already full, and even then, if I see and smell a wonderful pie I may still crave it despite being full. So it is with sexual cravings too. That's natural. It's not something to be ashamed of.
If you are capable of smelling delicious food when hungry or seeing/smelling/hearing/touching (whatever your sexual craving triggers are) a "sexy" man (to you) when sexually disposed without developing or intensifying your cravings to eat or fuck then that's fine, but I think its unusual and you have no reason to expect others to behave likewise in order to have a "healthy relationship".
Notice how I said ""sexy" man (to you)" rather than "good-looking" as you've used in earlier pots. "Good-looking" is related to the aesthetics of beauty. But for many people beauty alone is not a sexual craving trigger. I've seen many beautiful (by one of many possible standards) women who don't turn me on sexually. And I've seen what I and many may describe as ugly women who nonetheless have body curves that turn me on. I can't help that.
So I guess I disagree fundamentally with you about your conclusions and how they apply to what makes a "healthy relationship". I'm not going to attempt to address the later in detail, you could have a whole forum for that. But I will address the sexual craving part a little because its the one thing I've had to struggle with most of my life/marriage.
(10-02-2014, 19:58)timarie Wrote: But as far as being attracted to other women goes, I think not all men are attracted to other women. Having attraction towards someone is to feel the urge and the desire for someone. Many men who are happy with their significant others do not feel the urge and desire for others. But it is important to know that ALL do NOTICE other women and may find them to be good-looking. I have no problem when my man notices another, as I notice them too! He would have to be blind not to notice them and have an opinion, as so would I. But I don't think a man has to think "man, I WANT that!" whenever he notices someone. So, what I mean is, this does not mean they have to be drawn to wanting them but they most certainly all notice the beauty of other women (I am not sure which of these you fall under, Edtar). I am guilty of this (the latter) myself. It's human nature and, if we are to deny it, it would be to live our lives in a fantasy land with unreasonable expectations.
I think most men are "attracted' to other women but I think your semantics are a little muddy. When I see a woman who is sexually attractive to me I don't say "man, I WANT that", though I know there are men who do. It's not important that you say those words aloud or in your head or if you say them at all. Attraction is simply a feeling, in this case, as sexual one, and it may lead to other feelings if acted upon.
It's only the acts that matter. Without even trying or thinking about it, I might envision myself, in my mind's eye, fondling the breasts or even fucking some sexy woman passerby who at that point is nothing to me but an objectified female with no personality for me to be attracted to. Should I get up and make an effort to get to know that woman then I might develop a deeper attraction to her as a person with a nice personality (if she has one). That's the dangerous part if you're committed to someone else. It becomes much more complicated when you have to interact, in real life, e.g., in business, with members of the opposite sex you can't help but find attractive. And things become more difficult still, if you're a decent looking guy in a position of power which is, as Henry Kissinger said, "the greatest aphrodisiac" and can put married men in highly tempting situations frequently.
It's simply a known fact that most sexual partners don't have the same sex drive during the entire course of their lives together (if you and your partner's libido are close then that's great, but you're in the minority). That is certainly true in my case where my libido, until recently, was much higher than my wife's. (We are both physically normal though and both our libido's are in a normal healthy range so there is no health "problem" for which a treatment is called for). So, for much of my marriage, you could say I was a lot hungrier than my wife was.
When one has a natural craving, there are only three natural ways to deal with it. Satisfy it, channel it, or suppress it. I hope I don't have to argue with any of you why suppressing cravings doesn't work as a long-term solution and can be downright unhealthy. Channeling a craving is not far from suppressing one in my experience but it depends what you channel the craving into. If you turn to food or cigarettes, that is obviously not much better. You can channel yourself into work, sports, etc. and it works for me, but never completely or permanently. For me, if I can't sexually satisfy myself with my wife first, I may masturbate - usually with porn because that makes it much faster and easier. My wife has always been fine with this and has never made me feel guilty about it (though, ironically, I was at first because of how I was raised). I still remember how ashamed I was, about 33 years ago, when I first told her I masturbated sometimes and I thought she'd be upset. She wasn't and the way she handled it was incredibly supportive and heartening to me. If the tables were reversed, I know I'd feel the same way.
I understand why men and women get jealous and how this can tie to personal insecurity. I think when people feel insecure, jealousy is more likely to strongly rear an ugly head. Then, it can make whatever underlying problems exist worse. I realize there is a problem with some men becoming porn addicts but from my reading in the media and with my friends this is overblown relative to the number of women who simply cannot accept their husband looking at porn, period, and who take every measure to stop it. This forces men into deception. Since I would argue that trust and communication are main pillars supporting a healthy relationship, obviously this does more harm than good. Knowing I can tell my wife my deepest darkest secrets, the things I fear most and am most ashamed of, and still have her love and support - that is one of the most wonderful things to have in a marriage or friendship.
It's a good thing he knows what he wants and stands strong by it! 
