[GamerGuy]

There are no counselors in the area that know a damn thing about the subjects of sexuality, transgenderism and transition, so I come to you all with my story.

I am a 28 year old genetic male, who has been cross-dressing since the age of 5. I always dreamed of being able to transition to female, wished I was born female, etc.
When I hit puberty, I became distressed, and stressed. I would cry myself to sleep, I would call myself a freak in the mirror, and I would avoid mirrors if I were unclothed. I loathed my body. I hated being male. As I got older, I accepted the fact that my body is male, and when I started to show interest in sex, females were my only choice. I started to show more happiness in being male, acting manly, growing a goatee, showing interest in "manly" activities like hunting, automotive work etc.

Now I am 28 and my mind is going all bonkers again. I can't decide if I am male or female and it's driving me crazy. I'm starting to accept that I may be a little bisexual, I'm showing more interest in "feminine" activities like shopping and personal care and grooming, and I'm wanting more than anything to be female in both mind and body. BUT there's a side to me that still wants to be a manly male man, and the 2 sides are really conflicting internally. WHO AM I?!

[CalmlyAndrogynous]

WHO AM I?!

A lot like others here including me.

I have been lucky enough to be referred by my Dr to a good counsellor. After a year or so of sessions, I am coming to grips with things.

It is ok to have these feelings. It is ok to explore your gender. None of us are completely one or the other. It is ok to physically want to reflect who you are mentally.

When I was 6, my parents were worried because they had reports that I spent all my time playing with the girls in primary school and the girls had declared me an honorary girl.

I was encouraged to play with the boys and while I don't remember much of it, I lost that connection I had. I am just now coming to realise what I lost.

I still have things that I like which are not considered stereotypical female like being a science geek and liking to build things although I have nieces who are probably more into it than I am.

I think the important thing is to explore who you are and not try to be someone else, at least in settings where you are safe. Sadly, we all have to live in a society that is not always accepting of those who are a little different and in those cases, we have to wear a protective mask.

[GamerGuy]

we have to wear a protective mask.

I have been wearing that mask my entire life... It makes me feel like I'm living a lie.

I have a wife and two children, no place is safe for me to let out the girl that remains imprisoned inside

[KellyT]

GamerGuy,

To answer your question, you are yourself. From what you have said I think you are like most of us biological males on here. We are transgender and that is not a bad thing nor a comfortable thing at times. However for me, I count it as a blessing. I would not want to be any other way now that I have come to grips with my identity. I love who I am and if given the choice, I would not change other than to be a biological female knowing what I know. But that is not possible so I accept who I am. That is I am a biological male that would prefer to have been born female. What I do with that is my choice irregardless of what others say or think. I choose to be happy even though society wants me to feel guilty.

I stated in another post that this is a battle I can choose to fight but it is one I can never hope to win. I was born transgender and I cannot change that. I can accept it and have peace or battle it and find only misery and a lot of depression. Believe me, I have fought this hundreds of times and I have yet to win one battle. And, I continually ask myself why do I fight that which I love so dearly? Because society has taught me to think like them! Well, I don't think like them and I am not like them! I am me and I like me just the way I am. I am transgender and that is not bad, or evil, or anything else others want to call it. I just have to come to grips with the fact that I am special and privileged to been born me. And, I like being me! I am not trying to tell you what to do, but every time I tried being a manly man I just regretted it more.

I think you will figure this all out in time. Just give yourself the benefit of being you. Having feelings is natural and the way you were made. How you deal with those feeling is what is important. No one is pressuring you to go either way, just yourself. Give yourself time to think about your life and what you want to do and what you might become. You decide this for yourself! You have the benefit of knowing who you are. Just give yourself time and the opportunity to figure it all out.

KellyT

[GamerGuy]

KellyT I thank you for your reply, I feel a small sense of relief after reading that. I still know that I must, for my own sake and that of my family, keep the "mask" on. BUT, it's okay for me to accept who (or what) I am on the inside. I just hope it's enough for me to be me on the inside, even if I cannot on the the outside.

[CalmlyAndrogynous]

I have a wife and two children, no place is safe for me to let out the girl that remains imprisoned inside

Snap ...

I just don't have to wait as long as you as mine are older (I presume) and will leave home in the next 5 to 10 years (I hope).