[searching]

ok a little bit of background information. my best friend, hes a guy, we have been friends for 7 years now. the thing with us is we have constantly fought, we argue get back together in a few hours. I like him as more than a friend, i love him actually and he knows this, but he doesnt return the sentiment and he has made that pretty clear. I admit am a little argumentative and hard to get along with, actually very. for the past 3 years or so we talk mostly through texting n i dont mean one text in a day, we text each other throughout the day, but he feels that if he doesnt reply back to my message its no big deal and i dont fly off the handle for every message, but I am the one who does most of the talking, and i always message first, so i feel the least he can do is reply back.

Anyways, basically it boiled down to this, over the years he has developed the attitude that "yeah am an asshole, cant change it this is how i am, deal with it" but today when i was talking to him, something came up, and i said well how come you didnt tell me this before and he said cuz am an asshole, and i said to him, just saying you are an asshole doesnt make it ok. and he said to me, yea he can control his actions. so i said to him well then why dont you change your actions and choose not to be an asshole. and he said because its fun to be an asshole. and I was SO hurt by that because he knows how hurt i feel over the things he says and does and to do it on purpose is just so...... like inhumane, thats the only word i can think of. i think he knows am not going anywhere and that is why he acts this way. wat do you guys think?

[Bibi]

That´s too bad, Searching. I know guys can be a real pain sometimes!! The thing is, the situation as you describe it seems like he´s behaving that way with you simply because he can. He knows you´ll still be there for him even if he´s a complete ass, because you´re the one texting him and everything. He knows you want to be more than friends. You even ask him why he can´t stop being an asshole, to a guy that´s pretty much like begging. And as far as I can see, guys don´t go mushy like we do when a girl is begging or being sweet (when they´re behaving badly) or whatever, they become mean! They have this power-struggle thing and they tend to measure themselves with one another, to see who´s strongest. And in this situation, he´s clearly seeing himself as the one in control.

So anyway, what I´d do is this: don´t tell him you´re hurt, but show him - backing off. He´ll be really surprised not to hear from you and he´ll probably start calling you if you´re patient. If he does, please don´t start getting all forgiving with him again, you don´t want any guy to think you´re satisfied with some crumbs of attention! Just be polite and friendly, but nothing more. Let him wonder if there´s another guy.
At this moment, the most urgent thing is to make him value you again, and you can only achieve that by valuing yourself. I mean, do you really want to be the girl who hangs on to some guy who treats her like he´s an asshole? Or do you have better things to do with your time and emotions?
It also seems like he enjoys this fighting with you, and he probably thinks you do too because why would you do it otherwise? (that´s how guys think) The problem is, for him it´s probably some friendly arguing, something fun, while for you it means much more, so it´s more serious and painful.
Good luck, hih and wish you all the best!!

[searching]

thanks so much bibi for replying, i think you are completely right as to why he does it and stuff, i do feel that he likes being in control, and he pretty much admits it as such in words. but he doesnt see anything wrong with his behaviour, thats the thing that gets me the most. according to him its always me thats wrong and wants to fight and hes right all the time. the difference between me and him is when i am wrong i realize it and admit it even, but if he is wrong he will wait and try to find some messed up logic that only makes sense to him about how he is not really the one who is wrong and its me. me backing off approach makes sense too but it is so hard, especially since u have been talking to one person everyday all day for almost 7 years, and i dont have many friends other than him and he knows this too. everytime i think about distancing myself i think about the future, and think that in the end not only am i hurting him (which he does deserve in this case) but am hurting myself too.
Like i get the fact that we are best friends and we tend to take each other for granted, but i see him making time for his other friends and treating them special, and it just makes me think that being best friends doesnt entitle him to treat me like a door mat. i admit it is my fault for letting him be this way, but i think i will try to distance myself from now on and make new friends.

[searching]

just thinking about how to distance myself now though. cant cut off all contactat once, it wudnt work out that well.

[Andy]

Hi searching.


I will probably get into trouble with someone, maybe you, for this but...
This guy is taking advantage of you. You don't rate very high on his list of people in his life who deserves to be treated fairly with some respect. He probably feels that no matter what he does. He can get away with it because he thinks you are dependent on him.

I , a guy, says to look around. I know you feel that you love him. But love from one side, nonreciprocating , is not a good form of love. You say that you don't want to cut off all contact. So don't. But, don't make him a priority in your life anymore. Only send maybe one or two messages a day and make them just very general about your day. I have had best friends over the years and like everything in life. They come and go. But we are still friends.

There are a lot of great guys out there. Start going out with your other friends and expand your interests. Find a new hobby. Make time to just be with yourself. You may find a new "guy" friend who will treat you like the special person you are. As for your current best friend, well, he may have to decide to re-evaluate his attitude. If he wants to keep you strongly in his life, then he may have to grow up a little. If he blows you off, maybe it wasn't meant to be anyway.

Oh, BTW I happened to have been an asshole with a superiority complex and a hair trigger temper, as well, or least I used to be. Been trying to change that the last few years as life is hard enough without carrying around a chip on my shoulder. Your guy knows the way he acts toward you is wrong. That is why he comes up with fuzzy logic to excuse himself and passes the blame onto you. Where you are concerned he feels empowered to act badly. And yes, probably enjoys it some to degree. Let him see that his attitude will no longer fly and that while you would like to have in your life. He is no longer the center of it. If he bolts or drifts, I think, you are better off. Just my opinion, Just sayin....Gonna shut my gob now.

[searching]

hey andy thanks for replying.

i think you are right about him, even though i wish you werent its hard to believe that the relationship you invested so much time in means so little to the other person. I dont know yet what i am going to do, but hopefully i can be strong and everything will work out for the better.

Thank you so much for your advice, means a lot to me you guys

[~BoobieGirl~]

Hi searching! How are you doing?