[Lara's Lcups]

Hello lovelies. " alt="" title="">  I already posted an introduction yesterday, for some reason the text arrangement got wonky and I'm not sure what did I do wrong with it? I hope this one will work out well. If it gets messed up, perhaps Eve or Lotus could help me to figure out why? Anyway, lets get down to business. I'll tell a bit about what I've been doing the last couple of years, what I'm onto right now and what are my plans, goals and dreams.

I started out lurking these forums couple of years ago when it became painfully evident that its time for me to fix my body, the parts that it couldn't develop nauturally and to figure out myself once and for all and fix my life in general. I have whole bunch of traumatic experience, some mental health problems and so on to deal with on the side of figuring out what to do with my body... So a whole lot on my plate. It took a while to start learning what this is all about, I started out with just wanting to grow my breasts but I knew deep within that this rabbit hole goes much deeper than that.

I started with noogling and soon after looked into herbals and got into PM, quite soon I started to dig in deeper and add things in and ended up doing Lotus's herbal program pretty much spot on. Soon it was evident that this wont be enough that I have to get on convential HRT and I did that on my own, started with oral E, very soon switched to injections, then later on added in progesterone and so on. I kept all useful NBE supplements on the side I knew to work well along with HRT meds and slowly added in more things, switched over on others and experiemented a whole lot. Then last year I got to know a private doctor who helped me to get some things on prescription and she's given her input on what I'm doing, bless her soul as she's doing this on her own outside of the usual gatekeeping system that is in place in Finland.

After a whole lot of experiementing, reading and learning by doing I have concluded a bunch of things. My body adapts and responds quickly to almost everything I've been on. HRT is extremely powerful, injectable estrogen is abosolute blissful magic to me. It not only changed my body dramatically, but also cleared my mind a whole lot. It felt like a veil was lifted, like my body was for the first time in my life running on correct fuel. Bovine Ovary is magically effective on me. I don't know many who do HRT and BO at the same time, but for me that was a massive game changer. It along progesterone ushered in Tanner four very quickly around the time I had been on HRT for about ten to eleven months. I have natural sensitivity to anything that elevates prolactin and its very easy to induce deliberate hyperprolactinemia. Being on cyproterone acetate (testosterone blocker) alone made my levels shoot up to hyperprolactinemia levels. Addition of GABA and milk thistle make it shoot right up to 1400 mU/l and I found out that I lactate at lower than normal levels required for it. This makes sense because its in line with my family genetics. I was suspecting something and started experiementing, high prolactin levels make me develop a lot of breast fat and also lactate quite easily. My aunt and mother both have this trait and my aunt in particular has had it totally crazy, her breasts grew a whole lot after eachpregnancy, she has three children. I have zero idea about her breast volume but its obviously gigantomastia. Bunch of my family women have some same traits, they all have very projected breasts, also wide root and they are all around Finnish average or larger. I seem to exhibit the same traits so far.

My program has also made my lower body change dramatically which has been somewhat surprising. I've always carried most fat at thighs, hips and butt and lower tummy ever since my first puberty and this has dramatically accentuated during the last two years. Especially last six months have brought in biggest change so far. Everything else has changed too, my face is much more feminine now, abour 90% of my body hair is all gone and what is left is now in fully female pattern. My skin has cleared a whole lot, I have lost some height and my feet and hands have shrunk. My waist is starting to show up, its tiny for someone my size, but hidden below fat layer that I'm currently working on to get rid of.

Here's what I'm on right now, starting with HRT stuff:

EV injection, biweekly. 3,2mg/0,08ml 40mg/ml concentration

EV patch, 0,5mcg biweekly in between injections to stabilise estrogen levels

Progesterone, 200mg boofed nightly

Cyproterone Acetate, 12,5mg daily (T blocker)

NBE, morning:

Calcium citrate 1 capsule (don't remember the mg on this)

L-tyrosine 1000mg

Multivitamin (contains a long list of things, I'll post details some time)

CLA  1000mg (weight management + metabolism boost)

Milk thistle 1000mg

Swanson BO 250mg 

Ginseng 500mg

Day:

GABA 750mg

Swanson BO 250mg

Ginseng 1000mg

Milk thistle 1000mg

CLA 1000mg

Legendairy Milk Liquid Gold  1x (combination of lactation aiding herbs)

Evening:

GABA 750mg

Swanson BO 500mg

Ginseng 500mg

Milk thistle 1000mg

Legendairy Milk Liquid Gold  1x

Vitamin A 5000iu

Vitamin D3 10000iu

MSM 3 teaspoons raw powder

I noogle 3-5 hours daily, sundays off, some times another day off during daytime. I will post in detail about what I do with it some time, its a whole lot to discuss, I could actually copy and paste my noogleberry guide here into this thread or make a new one. I also massage when ever my hands are free for it. " alt="" title="">  I wonder if I forgot something from my program, I hope not but I'll update if there's something. I'm such a miss Absent Mind that I likely forget stuff.

(I'm going to post this now to see if the text came out ok, then edit and add some pictures.)

[Lara's Lcups]

Ok so this works. Yay. ^_^ This is me, I'll post some more pics showing my bodyshape and breast development along with a timeline picture.

[attachment=14727][attachment=14728][attachment=14729]

[Lara's Lcups]

So here's my timeline for this past year or so. Notice the change to obvious Tanner four shape around month 10-11. I'm still in quite early Tanner four but its not as obvious if my boobs are even tiny bit cold, I have also developed a lot of over all fullness which is kind of masking the areola mound. I have been suspecting if the side branching is slowly starting already. I kinda hope not as I wish to grow bigger.

And then the timeline frontal pic as a bigger one, this angle doesn't really tell it all, but with a corset bringing out all the hidden projection its quite evident what is going on. My breasts are super wide so the root goes all the way below armpit. I tend to have quite a lot of hidden projection going on due to the shape and all, it takes a good bra or a corset to show it.

[attachment=14730][attachment=14731][attachment=14732]

[Lara's Lcups]

Then few kinda fun pics, I really like it how my hands have gotten smaller. Still too much of a shovel look for my liking but hey I'm just a tab bit shorter than six feet and over all big. I dream of growing a well accentuated hourglass shape and much more curves, as I can't become petite and graceful, then big tall amazon with luscious curves it is. I kinda like it, I think it suits me and makes me beautiful.

[attachment=14733][attachment=14734][attachment=14735]

[Lara's Lcups]

And then final picture dump, my backside. I absolutely adore the change with my thighs and butt since starting HRT. Also some of the NBE has been helping with it a whole lot as there's been correlating changes happening. Starting bovine ovary was obviously one, all HGH and IGF-1 boosting things have been also helpful and based on an anecdote from someone I know, I started taking a higher dose of vitamin A which seems to have something to do with this.

[attachment=14738][attachment=14737][attachment=14736]

[Lara's Lcups]

So yea, I guess this is quite good intro on what's up with what I'm about. But I forgot of course to talk about what my plans are. There are few things I'm looking into, one is more experimentation with lactation aids and keeping my prolactin levels high. I dream of figuring out how to lacatate fully using herbals to do it if possible. I would rather avoid crashing estrogen and progesterone or try stuff like domperidone, but lactating fully is a huge dream of mine. For its intended purpose, which I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to since I can't have my own children. This is a very sore spot for me as I'm a mother without a child and without a chance of ever having one. Anyway, prolactin & lactation is one thing I will keep looking into, for itself and also to aid my breast development.

Another is boosting local estriol levels in my breasts, I'm planning to try out estriol cream soon, mostly to see if it would help my nipples grow. I've had a lot of difficulty trying to get them to grow decently. There's been some positive change lately since I added L-tyrosine. Supple Nips and pumps aren't really good as my skin is so sensitive I usually get whole lot of blistering before being able to put in the time required and that time is better used Noogling. With that I will keep on pushing my usual 70-130 hours a month as long as I have space in the XXXL domes, once I'm done I have reached most of my goals and that will be the end of the line with Noogling.

I'm going to experiement on a combination of two supplements which are found to elevate night time HGH and IGF-1 considerably. More about this later, but there's a study done on this I'm basing my idea on. I have it somewhere as a .pdf file. BOosting HGH and IGF-1 has been very successful so far so why not look if there's a better way to deal with it.

So currently the bra I wear, the only one that fits well enough for now is Elomi Molly 34KK/P which I wear with band extender and straps quite loose, I had to as I'm on the brink of completely outgrowing it. I would likely be better off with 36KK/P at the moment but I'll manage it. (Before anyone asks, ABTF calculator places me at 38KK right now, but almost always a sister size fits better, if I had a perfect band for me, it would likely be a 35 if such thing existed. )The reason being running out of sizes and bras being so expensive. I have a new one, which is kind of a goal bra, Its from Bravissimo UK, lovely emerald green balconette bra in 36L, I think in US size that would likely be marked as 36Q I think? About Euro size I have no idea about. Anyway, its amazing bra but its big for the marked size, the cups are super deep. So it will take some time until I grow into it, I'm predicting reaching that point by late summer or with luck a bit earlier. Soon I might have the annoying situation of not having any bra that's actually a good fit. The jump from 34KK to generously sized 36L is huge. But the situation is hopeful for reaching it quite soon, during last month my boobs took a huge jump forward with massive amount of new fullness, likely thanks to latest tweaks on supplementation and more time on Noogle using the new domes.

Anyway, its such an amazing journey and things have worked out way better than I ever expected. I never thought I would be growing off the charts in less than two years. I keep counting my blessings and how my breasts respond to all this hormone alchemy is nothing short of being blessed. IT comes with a price though, braless days are a no go for me or I'll get neck and back pain quite quickly. Despite them being quite self supporting. Its a weight I gladly carry.

[Lara's Lcups]

A case for an intersex condition

I thought I would post about this in depth because this has been bothering me a lot lately. I think I've mentioned it on the sidelines before that I have strong suspicion of being intersex. having likely the classic Klinefelter XXY variant or a mosaic of some type. I have likely even posted a list of reasons why I suspect it before? That list was sort of incomplete and I thought I would write a new one with more details...

Aside from physical abnormalities, there are other reasons why I've looked into this. I don't feel that I belong with most of the trans women out there. I'm not a huge "scene butterfly" to begin with, that's why I rather post on a tiny fringe group like BN which is largely underground and a niche to a few. Mostly I want to be here to inspire and help out other trans ladies who are still in the closet and searching themselves. And of course my friends. But I dunno, it just seems that I am... Different than most trans women. I've noticed a trend with those who I relate to. and who become good friends with me. They're almost solely traditional binary trans women, and somehow, they either have an intersex condition or have suspicion of such along with lot of physical and mental traits typical for intersex trans women. I feel they're my kin. There's some kind of deep soulside connection there, similar to how I feel about some cis ladies who have become close friends with me. A can of worms I'm not sure if I dare to open is how a lot of trans women behave and think like men do, how they're hypersexual, often all about looks, competition, beauty contest types. Shallow. Totally not like me and those close to me. There's a clear divide there, my friends are few and far between and its eerie how almost all of them share similar weirdness that I'm experiencing. This I don't talk much about for obvious reasons, I would be crucified and called an elitist and what not, I don't want to come off like that. as its not that I would be full of myself or something... I just find very few relatable trans women out there and they almost all are like I am.

Then there's the physical side of things. Have I told about my first puberty? When it started I got subtle female puberty first, of course it came along with some male stuff, but my hips widened, fat distribution changed to thighs, butt, hips, lower tummy. I grew little boobs. I didn't get facial hair but my voice did drop around 12-13 years old. Stuff down there started to function but didn't grow much at that point. I had zero facial hair and very little body hair, I grew much taller. Then the T dominance shut it all down later around 15 years old. I used to stink like chewbacca after a mudbath and I hated it. I absolutely hated it. Around these times I also learned what dysphoria is. I hated my body and I was ashamed because I looked so girly. Narrow shoulders, wide hips, lower body carrying most fat, nearly zero masculine traits... I was taught to be ashamed but in secret I loved my girly stuff a lot. Then later down the road T dominance wrecked nearly all of it, boobs flattened out and fat distribution became more male like. But still I didn't get masculine facial features. No brow rigde at all, soft round jawline, quite narrow chin, very little facial hair until mid twenties and I always looked younger than my years and very girly. Due to this and keeping my hair long, I was gendered as a girl all the time and I secretly loved every second of it.

Then around early mid twenties I started to have periods. No obvious blood, but cramps, PMS symptoms, bloating, just hurting all over and being pissed off. To the point that several of my then girlfriends noticed it and started to call it out from time to time joking about me having my period. But there's a thing about blood... I've experienced it many many times, dark orange pee and poop that's nearly pitch black. Which scared me to bits as both can be a symptom of bunch of severe illnesses. But I was never sick. It came and went, came and went. Around those times the phantom sensations started. I literally felt body parts which I'm not supposed to have. I felt ghost ovaries aching, cramping sensation where uterus should be. which feels like someone squeezing it and pulling it outward. Down there below digestive track, behind my bladder somewhere, on the right spot. I felt my breasts which didn't exist physically back then, I felt that I had a vagina as if closed up behing my male parts. It scared me, I never understood why this happens and how and I was confused but also euphoric because it felt so right. These sensations have come with me all my life since then, coming and going... I can't explain it, other than either I have body parts hidden inside, perhaps underdeveloped and hiding in there, maybe its my brain being wired female telling me that there are stuff down there and its just phantom impulses from the nerves that are normally attached to said parts. Phantom breasts are gone obviously as now they're physically present and I love it, the only phantom sensation about them is that they're not yet as big as what my brain has told me they should be.

Another thing to point out is my mind blowing success with HRT and NBE. For some reason my body responds amazingly well to hormone sorcery of all kinds. So many things work on me its amazing.... From EV injection to progesterone to Bovine Ovary to GABA to PM before all this and the list just goes on, not to mention Noogling and boosting prolactin to cause deliberate hyperprolactinemia. This is abnormal for someone my age. I was thirty seven when I started HRT little less than two years ago. Changes like what I'm experiencing are typically common for whom? For cis girls and trans girls who get to start out very early, possibly on blockers first and HRT before their twenties. I mean yea, there are +30 yo trans women who have gotten fantastic results, but I have never seen anyone have this much change in less than two years, not one, at all. Since the beginning I've been amazed how well I respond and my breasts just keep on growing and growing some more. Its not normal. Unless, maybe I have a physical condition very favourable for this to work and my body has just been waiting dormant for the right fuel to develop like it orginally wanted to?

Why does all this stuff happen if I'm "just" an ordinary transgender XY, physically male? This is rhetoric question obviously, brain is super powerful with all these things, we all know that, our brain is a magical device. But then again, I also have visible physical traits which match perfectly with Klinefelter XXY and bunch of other intersex variants. I'm almost convinced of this by now. I may pursue investigation into this once I've dealt with transition and getting AHDH diagnosis and I'm in better shape mentally to deal with it. But this is just a curiosity as it changes nothing, I am a woman who just happens to have rather unique anatomy which requires fixing and that's all there is to it. But getting answers would be really welcome.

Here's a list of things that make me strongly suspect being intersex. Actually I believe I am as its the only way to explain all this weirdness.

1. Partial female puberty.
2. Most of male puberty was late or non existent.
3. Waist to hips ratio of 0.7 naturally before HRT, this was very evident when I was quite slim, this is not a XY male ratio.(0.85 and higher.)
4. Hips slightly wider than shoulders. Again, not a XY male ratio.
5. Taller than almost all my family, taller than average (Finn average for men 5'11½", me before HRT 6'.)
6. Lack of masculine facial features.
7. Difficulty building muscle, same results took longer than what guys typically get.
8. Physically weak and clumsy.
9. I age slowly, look younger and very girly.
10. Little body hair.
11. Female fat distribution, I got lot of remarks and bullying for this when I was kid.
12. Socialise with women super easy, with men things are awkward.
13. Female though patterns, my mind is 100% feminine with so much.
14. Even after my voice dropping, still rather bright, my larynx is tiny.
15. Ghost sensations of ovaries, uterus, breasts, vagina, all girl parts felt to be present but not obviously physically there.
16. Obvious strong monthly cycle, some times with blood in urine and poop.
17. Respond extremely well to HRT and other treatments.
18. Gender confusion since about age 4-6, no cis boys of that age ask such big question about who/what I am and feel there's been a mistake for being in a body of a boy.
19. I never went bald unlike most of my family men did at this age.
20. I look exactly like women in my family, but almost nothing like the men.
21. Slim girly wrists and ankles, small hands.
22. Tiny waist, at my slimmest I measured about 30" or 75cm
23. Infertilty. Despite seemingly functioning normally, no woman ever became pregnant with me despite endless chances with a whole lot of them. Same women easily got preganant later with others.
24. Testosterone dominance caused major problems with agression, mind fog, endless skin problems etc., horrendous body odour and so on, all which went away after starting HRT.
25. Slower learning with things requiring motor skills despite obvious creative talent in art and music.
26. One thing that doesn't fit Klinefelter XXY condition is that I never had much learning disabilities other than being badly distracted or bored due to ADHD. I know I have above average intelligence, not super smart or quick minded but not average or below.
27. Along with above average height, I have long legs. This is also typical for XXY.
28. Very feminine personality traits, non confrontational (This isn't very obvious online xD), kind, empathic, people pleaser. Rather quiet and shy unless with close friends.

There might be some minor things that I'm forgetting to mention... Well, obviously being transgender on top of all this is kinda telling isn't it? Its evident that my female side has always been the dominant one and I have sufferered immensly from bullying, being treated wrong, misgendering, using a male name for me, being forced into male role that I always failed to achieve despite insane efforts and overcompensation. There's just so much evidence telling that I'm more than just another XY trans woman, I have that brain wiring like all my sisters do, but the physical evidence is just too much to be a coincidence.

Reason why I want to talk about this and pour my heart out on it is that I need to make peace with myself. I've been soul searching a lot, internal work, finally understanding why I am the way I am. I find huge comfort in this, its nullifying my internalised transphobia too. Its giving me a justification and reason for being me. I am a woman who has unqiue anatomy, a development defect which is likely on a very fundamental level... As such it feels much more natural to transition and all I'm doing is just fixing natures error, I'm giving my body the oomph it needs to develop fully into what started when I was around twelve years old. I just got diverted on the way for some decades.

I'm attaching here some chilhood photos. One from my I think 11th birthday, another lying in bed cuddling my uncles lovely doggo who was a puppy back then, I think that picture is from around 1995 and third picture from a trip to Stockholm, that's from 1996 as that's when I got the grey short I have on. Just tell me, that's a normal XY boy child right? That's what they though. I think I'm so totally obvious. Its no wonder I got gendered a girl all the time. And finny thing a mother of a childhod friend of mine called me Lara since I was like four years old, I never corrected her as I liked it and now its my name.

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[Lara's Lcups]

I wanted to post the above stuff here too. I wrote that some days back as I wanted to put my thoughts down in detail. And this is me justifying myself because I need it, things have to be said out loud.

This is me and I'm a woman. Looking back at childhood photos and such, how it was with friends and so on, I grew up in an interesting environment. They thought I was a boy, I knew I was a girl but didn't have much understanding for how it all works and what is what, words didn't exist for it, no language to express it.

But my behaviour was obvious, I always socialised better with girls. Games I played changed depending on who was with me and I did it all and loved it all. I was bullied a whole lot for it, for my looks and mannerism and all that. No shit, for lot of girls in school I wasn't girl enough and for boys I was too much a girl. Guess how much fun that was? Daily torture sessions... My bullies even gave me a nickname Larissa. It was almost the same as my deadname was, just like Lara has only one letter difference. It reflects my life really well, my identity and body have changed just that little, its just like changing a one letter in my name to suit me better. My body isn't much different, just change the fuel to E from T and that's about it.  

So if this experience makes me delusional, trendy, not woman enough or making it all up, then I don't know what to say. Where is the line drawn anyway? Who's to say who's valid enough? What difference does it make when things have been fixed? I didn't quite get to choose it. I'm just really happy to be doing it now. I guess my saving grace is this weird anatomy I have, some friends who kept me afloat like the girl gang I had, my first true circle of friends back in my teens who took me in as one of the girls. I dated one of them and that was one hell of a lesbian relationship for sure. No one ever talked about it openly, there was no deal made, but I was just accepted in... Boys were all just "somebody's boyfriend" but I was one of the girls. That +2 years was magical, I got to live myself so much, we did all the things teenage girls do. They even did my hair and nails many times and makeovers and such because I was totally ok with it. Nights out, gossip, going to gigs and what else. Shared secrets... Learning about everything, I loved every minute of it. I'm sure that time with this bunch of girls saved my life as before that I was deeply depressed and dysphoric as can be. They saved me, but likely post poned realising myself too as it was a huge relief to the social side of my suffering.

Then later on I tried to cope, to fit in, to be the guy poeple said I should be. Do I need to tell about shitty twenty years of trying to fit into something I've never been? I wouldn't want to as its painful. A pain more lucky ones haven't had to suffer. A pain that can only be truly understood by living through it, a lot can't and they perish on the way. Soul searching and internal work does wonders though, it helps to deal with all kinds of internalised nastiness which makes it harder to understand each other... Let alone understanding oneself. On this I can say I've done a huge deal of work and there's much more to be done, decades of living a life that was largely a lie has left deep scars. At least I'm really lucky with how my body is responding to HRT and NBE, its nothing short of miraculous. And I want to share that journey.

[Lara's Lcups]

Not so much about boobs this time, but I had something nice go on yesterday. I did the longest walk for this summer and didn't get my ankles aching much, only burning calves as expected. This is such a great sign that my slow weight loss is starting to work out. I've been right at the brink of where moving gets heavy and painful for me. Yes I've been very chubby around 250lbs, that's only chubby for me as I'm quite tall and big... My plan is to slowly drop 20-30 lbs off of me while maintaining and or growing more curves on the way and it seems to be working.

I noticed this morning the most lovely difference of my hips starting to fill in a whole lot where the hip joint is, the spot that makes hips and butt look super wide if its full. I used to date a girl back in the day who had this very prominent and she was so cute, its a trait I've loved all my life and wished for myself and it appears that I'm starting to develop exactly that. I've had the tendency for this no doubt, but I never thought it would become obviously visible like that so very welcome change. Also thunderously thick thighs aren't eh most usual sight in Finland as most Finnish women don't have that, I guess that's part of typical Nordic genetics. Many ladies are very busty though.

Speaking about breasts, I seem to be getting more aches showing up, especially in mornings. Good sign, that has always followed growth spurts and also high prolactin which has helped me tremendously. I went up to 1800mg on Milk thistle again in the last six days, and also upped my Bovine Ovary intake from 750mg to 1000mg, I want to test this for two weeks and see how it goes. I've been on similar dose on BO earlier and that was really beneficial. Back then it was half Natural Sources brand Raw Female, half Swanson. Now only the latter as it seems Natural Sources has gone out of business.

About weight loss, its feeling like its working. I skipped measuring day last time (I measure twice a month) but I wont skip the next one. I want to know what's up with my waist. I'm hoping to see a drop. Having less pain in my ankles from walks and drumming is really positive sign as this has happened to me before when starting to lose weight from around the same situation I've been in lately.

Last month I pushed in 76 hours on Noogle, first time doing decent amount of time using the new domes. I'm aiming for a similar result this month. (When I speak about months, I'm talking about my HRT diary which has 30 day month which isn't following calendar.) I did do up to 100-130 hours monthly during winter as I had plenty of time but summer will be more busy no matter what so I will keep 50-70 hours monthly as my goal for now. It seems anything over fifty hours is effectively showing up results quite quickly and going double that is really awesome and there's no way to miss noticing that change.

And off I go, first hour of the day has to be done to get it all in today. I will likely post more next week as this weekend I'm not in town. I have recently met a new amazing girlfriend and I'm having first date with her. From thursday to monday kinda date. Wish me luck.

[Mashtenn]

That's awesome Lara.