[raw]

So my mom and my dad's family don't get along at all. My dad's family hasn't always treated her in the kindest manner to say the least. I however enjoy spending time with my dad's family and I always feel really guilty. My mom especially dislikes my older cousin (there is some backround to this but I won't get into it) and she has good reason to. My cousin did something bad to my mother and never apologized for it and my mother refuses to talk to her until she does. However recently she removed my cousin from my facebook friends.

I got mad at her for this because imo I felt it was wrong for her to act through me and do things like this without my permission. She actually removed a more distant relative a few weeks ago because my mom felt this relative wasn't being respectful to her. My mom justifies her actions by saying that we're family and that we have to stick together and she makes me feel like such a traitor for being upset with her actions. The thing is even though I was friends with my cousin, I never really talked to her so it wasn't like we were buddy buddy. I even didn't tell her happy birthday upon my mother's request. My mom's not talking to me anymore and I'm tired of feeling like the bad guy. My mother takes it sooo personally that I'm against her decision to do this. It's so frustrating.

Also, I'm seriously considering changing my password on fb. My mom doesn't want to create her own fb and likes to use mine to communicate with old friends and she likes looking through my and my brother's pictures. Should I change my pw? What should I do? Any advice is very appreciated.

[twister_mama]

Personally, I'd change my password if I were you. That was plain wrong of her to delete friends on your fb account. She totally violated your privacy; and as a consequence, could seriously affect your relationships with other members of your family. Sounds like she knows how to use/navigate fb pretty well; she should definitely get her own account. I understand your dilemma; I too have struggled my whole life for approval by my parents, and have hurt other people because of my parents' opinions and such. It was even affecting my relationship with my husband (boy do I feel stupid about it now ). I finally got to the point where I realized I am an ADULT, and I need to live my OWN life! If they don't approve, that's really too bad. Their loss, really. They wouldn't have liked it one bit if their own parents constantly interfered in their lives! They're not completely thrilled with me these days; but they still love me and are finally starting to accept my "independence" from them (ugh, that sounds pathetic, I know - I'm 34 years old and married with two kids, for crying out loud!). Hopefully your mother will come to realize that YOU are not the enemy; and that you are capable of making morally responsible decisions regarding your family and friends. I really hope everything works out for you!

[periwinkle12]

I think you should change your password to avoid future arguments between you and your mother.

But I think that if someone disrespects your mom she is also disrespecting you. I would not and do not talk to some of my cousins for this same reason so just try to put yourself in her shoes (not saying the defriending was correct) but if you continue to talk to them it is kind of a slap to her face because then she will think you think it's okay for them to disrespect her and your cousins may continue to do disrespectful things to her thinking they will still maintain communication with you with no consequences of being rude to an adult. Just my two cents.

[Andy]

My mother was not very fond of her relatives outside of her immediate family. My dad didn't get along with his dad and mom. As a consequence, I don't really know my fathers parents all that well. And I have family on my moms side that I can walk past and not know who they are. Though they know me. They think there is something wrong with my memory. which it is. So I don't dissuade anyone of the idea.

Your mother should get her own account and yes, you should change your password. You need your privacy and she should respect that right. Seems to me that when people fight inside the family. It is usually pretty bloody. Be careful of getting caught up in their battles. If you are still living at home, be prepared for a battle over this issue of who uses the facebook account. Until you are moved out on your own you can be considered a serf.

[raw]

I think you should change your password to avoid future arguments between you and your mother.

But I think that if someone disrespects your mom she is also disrespecting you. I would not and do not talk to some of my cousins for this same reason so just try to put yourself in her shoes (not saying the defriending was correct) but if you continue to talk to them it is kind of a slap to her face because then she will think you think it's okay for them to disrespect her and your cousins may continue to do disrespectful things to her thinking they will still maintain communication with you with no consequences of being rude to an adult. Just my two cents.

Thanks everyone for the responses. I've been thinking about your response periwinkle and I agree. Even though I think it's wrong that my mom violated my privacy, I was really angry at her for forcing me to cutoff my family (by removing my cousin I'm sending the message that I'm against my dad's entire family). I have fun with my dad's family and they are nice enough to me, plus I'm not brave enough to take such a stance against them. Deep down though, I think I should let them know that their behavior to my mother is not acceptable. If they disrespect my mother, they disrespect me.

Here's some back story and what actually happened if anyone is interested. I just had to let this out...
My mother is Albanian and Bosnian Muslim while my dad's family is Serbian. I don't know if you know much about Balkan history but people of these nationalities hate each other. My mom grew up in Serbia and all of her friends were Serbian so she never grew up to be anti-Serbian. My father's side however is very nationalist and have always treated my mother differently because of her nationality. They have never treated her with respect and have often been quite cruel to her. My father's mother was the worst. She would badmouth my mother to my father and he would as a result beat her. My grandmother knew this and she kept doing this because she didn't want an Albanian/muslim daughter in law. My father even threw a mug at my mother's face when she was pregnant with my younger brother. My grandmother was really cruel to my mother and my father almost always took my grandmother's side. Eventually, my grandmother stopped living with us and my father blamed my mother for driving her away, even though my mother tried her best for the sake of her marriage to get along with my grandmother.

Several years after my grandmother left, my cousin came to the U.S. from Serbia to stay a few weeks. She also had family from her mother's side in Ohio where she stayed part of the time. I was 11, my older brother was 13 and my younger brother was 6. I honestly have no idea what went wrong. My cousin and my mom seemed to get along well for the first few days. I remember they would talk and wash dishes together almost every night and discuss horoscopes. I never noticed any hostilities between them. My mother took my cousin, my brothers and me to the pool and later to the theatre. I was so happy to have a sister figure in the house. Then one day in the late afternoon my older brother and I were in the hallway joining the living room facing away from the kitchen where my cousin was. My mom was doing some work in the kitchen and my cousin was on the computer with my little brother. I remember hearing my mom tell my cousin that my younger brother wasn't supposed to watching such things. I assume she was refering to what they were seeing on the computer. She said it calmly. I guess my cousin didn't oblige and my mother repeated her request a little more sternly a minute later. Right then my dad walked through the door. As soon as he entered the living room, my cousin started sobbing out of nowhere. My father immediately started beating my mother and then proceeded to pour dirty dish water on my mom's head. My cousin was literally 6 ft away while my dad did this. My father got in a car and drove my cousin 9 hours to Ohio to her mother's relatives. He stayed there for 3 days, didn't call us and when he came back he ignored us for a week.

I asked my mom what went wrong and she believed that my grandmother had instructed my cousin to do this knowing what kind of reaction it would bring out in my father. I didn't really know what to believe until I found out 2 years later that my cousin had told our entire extended family that she started crying after my mom screamed at her. That was a complete lie. The funny thing is that my uncle told my mother how traumatizing my cousin's stay had been for her (bs, I slept in the same room as my cousin and I was with her 90% of the time) and how worried he was about the experience affecting her pshycologically yet no one was worried about how my father treated my mother or the fact that we lived with an abusive father who obviously valued his old family over his children. I mean she was 17 and I was like 11 and my brothers were young as well.

[twister_mama]

Wow, you and your family have been dealing with so much. I'm so sorry. I wasn't aware there was abuse involved; in light of that info, my earlier response now sounds totally off-base. Andy is right; fights within the family can be really, really bad, as the issues are a lot more personal. And Periwinkle is absolutely right too. That really is a tough situation. Have you and your mother and brothers ever discussed going somewhere else, where it's safe? And maybe getting your father some help? I feel really bad for you guys. I hope everything calms down for you! Hang in there. *hugs*

[crystalelle]

Dear raw,

First of all I would like to express how sorry I am that you are caught in the middle of a family war like this.

If I were in your situation I won't change the facebook password instead I will open another personal account for myself and let my mum use the current one. Talking in terms that I am in your situation of course. This way of course you would not offence her or you could open another account for her and gradually let her get use to it.

Your mum has endured many years of physical and verbal abuse from the man that she depends on to love her and his family as well. I honestly don't think you can blame her for how she responded or behaves. Not only did she stays on in an abusive environment she is patience enough to take it in and still give birth to all the children that she have now like you. You are alive here because she endure all this abuse. At this moment she is only hope that somebody would side her or stand by her for some support. During years of abuse she got nobody to actually stand by her. I am sure not many of us ladies here will be able to endure such environment. I will tell you given your mum situation to me I have already ran away off my marriage.

I understand sometimes you might not be able to understand why she do what she does. Try putting yourself in her shoes and see from her view. This is at least something you can do for her after so many years of being a mother to you.

It is very difficult to change the old ways and thinking of the pass generation. What you can do is to change the ways and thinking of the future generation.

Whatever sin and hatred of the pass generation should not be brought down for the future generation to suffer. If it does it will be a never ending loop of sufferings.

I wish you all the best!

[raw]

Wow, you and your family have been dealing with so much. I'm so sorry. I wasn't aware there was abuse involved; in light of that info, my earlier response now sounds totally off-base. Andy is right; fights within the family can be really, really bad, as the issues are a lot more personal. And Periwinkle is absolutely right too. That really is a tough situation. Have you and your mother and brothers ever discussed going somewhere else, where it's safe? And maybe getting your father some help? I feel really bad for you guys. I hope everything calms down for you! Hang in there. *hugs*

Yes, we are ok now. My father has been better for several years now. I didn't end up changing my password. I decided to support my mom and stand beside her. She really only had me and my brothers to support her and she's done so much already by herself. Thank you guys for the advice. You are all very kind!

[Floridagirl66]

Glad to see that you are doing okay now! That seemed like a sticky situation. Hope things are still going good for you guys!