[gasolinerainbow]

Hi... Just wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable here or not...
My boyfriend's living room is decorated with posters of naked women. We spend the majority of time in this room together and I've told him that these posters make me feel extremely uncomfortable. I think they're gross, they crush my self-esteem and they're just damn right offensive. We've been together 7 months now and he still won't take them down because he sees them as his property and how dare I tell him what to do with it. They're really starting to get to me and so is his total disregard for my feelings. I'm tempted to take them down myself but I half expect him to break up with me over it. I've told him how I feel, not sure what else I can do. He makes me sound like I'm this mad feminist and that I'm totally in the wrong but surely most women would feel uncomfortable?

[beachbumbythesea]

It is all how you feel about yourself IMO, my bf has sexy pictures of women not naked (but to me all the same) and at first it bothered me a little but now I look at it like this, those women are on the wall and I am here with him and we are still together so he must think I am just as sexy as them or else we wouldnt still be together..Its all about how you feel about yourself, relationship with him, but IMO someones self insecurities..When I get my own place I would love to put sexy guys up..and yeap I will..no out of spite but thats what I would like..nice firemen calendar for starters..

[Isabelle]

Girl, you really must love him

No, you are not being unreasonable. A little more feminism would do great things for you. I'm a 50 year old man and even I would be offended. Do not underestimate what a daily insult will do to your self esteem in the long run. If I were his dad, I'd really tell him. And I would like to beg you to get out of there, before this treatment leaves you with no more power than a small child. You have no idea how long it will take a good therapist to help you get over this.

OK, that's out. Sorry for venting. I really do feel sorry. You must feel really awful. You can't live with this. You don't want to leave him either. So indeed, what can you do? When you talk to him about it, focus on the behavior (him not taking them down), and tell him how it makes you feel. Continue with the dilemma you are in, that he's leaving you no choice. Then the hard part: try not to make a power struggle out of it. If he doesn't come around, repeat.

If he is really out to damage your self-esteem systematically, to take control over you in an abusive relationship, leave him yesterday. I know it's going to hurt, and I don't know how much power he already has over you. Round up your friends for support. Anything I can do?

[gasolinerainbow]

@Beachbumbythesea, my boyfriend's tried saying the same thing to me. I've thought about it and if I'm honest, the only reason he's not with those people is because he doesn't know them and I doubt they'd go out with him. If I had a poster of a gorgeous bloke and let's say this guy also happens to be witty and intelligent and everything else I look for in a man then I highly doubt that, given the choice, I would choose to start a relationship with my boyfriend over him. If I met him whilst in a relationship with my boyfriend then I wouldn't leave my man for him but I don't find any particular comfort in this notion. Besides, those posters represent everything I hate about the society we live in today.

Thanks for the advice Isabelle I did what you said and focused on his behaviour rather than how I personally feel about the posters. I asked him if he would leave me if I took them down (thinking if he said yes, then I'd leave him right then and there!) and he said he'd be very, very angry on the principle that I'd be showing total disrespect for his freedom. I said at the end of the day it comes down to total disrespect for his freedom vs. total disrespect for my feelings and he said he'd take them down if it would prevent us falling out if I took them down myself. That's the best outcome I could have hoped for really (:

I don't mean to do him a disservice by writing about only the negative things. Apart from the posters, and comments on my lack of breast size, and him sticking a stiletto in this girls cleavage to measure it while he ogled at her when he was drunk (I reminded him about this because he had no recollection whatsoever, he then went and asked the girl if it actually happened. He came back and informed ME that it did. I said 'well, if she said it happened, it MUST have happened. Don't worry about what your gf tells you, I can't think of any reason why you should trust her)... Ahem, yes, apart from all that he's very caring, generous and loving. He just does nothing for my self-esteem and is the most stubborn person I've ever met.

I've never had a low self-esteem before... The thing is, he does everything he can to try and make me feel good about myself but then he says and does the most tactless things and won't accept any responsibility for them. He can't see that it's those things that undermine all the positive stuff. Therein lies our problem :/ I didn't even care about the posters that much to begin with but slowly they've become the pinnacle of my discontent.

As far as feminism goes; I won't watch TV because it's littered with the sexualisation of our gender. I've complained to the advertising agency about almost every advert under the sun! I won't buy magazines, won't shop in certain shops; the list goes on... I never used to be like this, haha, it seems that being with my bf has brought to my attention how sexualised and discriminated against the female gender is.

You know, I really do wonder how we ended up together. He is the perfect combination of everything I hate in a man and everything I love. The weird thing is, I realised that long before I fell in love with him.

[Isabelle]

Pheeeeeuw, Gasolinerainbow,

You're taking a weight off my chest. So happy this worked out. If he doesn't understand, demand respect. And think carefully about how you're going to bring up the subject, each time.

Truth is, he honestly doesn't know how you feel. It will get better after he's gone through a few experiences that change his perspective. The first time he'll be discriminated against himself. The first time he feels unsafe. The first time he feels helpless. The first time he feels betrayed or humiliated. If he's smart, he'll know that these lessons teach him something about how you two relate to each other.

Almost forgot: yeay for 38"!

[mydreamisGcup]

^aaawww i hope its just him being petty rather than anything serious although my abusive ex used to have porno pics up everywhere seriously id open my eyes in the morning to a face full of 'Brookes' peirced pussy :s

now id offer a compromise(ur half living there too) like say 'if i choose u some sexy but more tasteful posters(idk him but something like swimsuit models or pick women that you find less offensive) will you get rid of them?' if hes not willing to talk if i was u id just get a nice permenant pens and draw them some underwear :p n if hes angry just make sure he understands how u feel and if he doesnt care hes not worth it call up your mum or friend to come n get u pack and leave.

[beachbumbythesea]

OK..now that you mentioned other things about him...sorry but my ex sounds like him and he was to me verbally and physically abusive ( ended me in a mental health hosp. well outpatient and it was my choice and it was the best choice, it made me think of who I am and I come first).. he would do the condensing things...like tell me I how awsome I am this and that then the next breath he will comment some girl on tv or down grade me..my ex was bipolar and schziphenic sp?..and needed help but wanted to cont.. doing his drugs..as for my man now he is a man to me, he actually is helping me not be lazy doing this NBE meaning I want to look good for him and myself but of course myself first he just gives me the push without him knowing it..He does alot for me mentally and physcially..when we are together he is always doing the cooking and whatever and he tells me to relax..lol cause I keep him busy in the bedroom..he should relax..anyway your boyfriend does not sound mature at all..Here is an example of my boyfriend..I am very self consious sp? of my breast and butt area..I even joke to him about it and when we first got together I show them too him and he said I think they are cute and you have nice nipples..so yeah he does like them but I do think he would want them bigger but I do too..if I didnt then that is a whole different story..I am feeling really good about myself that I am changing my body it is making me feel sexy and feminine sp?..so bottom line is it is up to you in your gut of what it will all turn out to be..if he doesnt fit you wants then you need to find someone that does..you come first remember that..Please if this relationship is hurting you mentally (just as bad if not worse then physcial..yes Isabelle is right) get out..really..it took me a while to make a plan cause I was living with him and was afraid of him hurting me if I tried to leave..anyway I am safe and have so much better man

[Bibi]

Okay sweeties, here´s what my dad would say: better to apologize than to ask for someone´s permission. So I´d just have taken down the posters without asking, and then I´d have told him very politely (if he said something about it) that while I am there, I won´t accept looking at naked women. If he´d get angry, I´d just tell him to call me if he wants to see me without other naked women around and then leave silently.
The thing is to do this with your head very high, without doubts and of course with no fear of loosing him. See, sometimes guys are like horses or like those big dogs you have to teach who´s boss. If you are very certain of what you will and will not accept in a boyfriend, he will notice it and won´t try to talk you out of it (at least not for long). He will even respect you for it (there´s always this respect thing with guys, even when they´re older and supposedly more mature - you ALWAYS have to make yourself be respected, no matter how nice he seems).

If you do complain about the posters, but still hang out in his house, you´re telling him this:
- you don´t like it, it hurts you but you´re willing to put up with it for his sake
which means:
- you will stick with him even when he´s being an ass, so he can ultimately get away with a lot more.

Another thing is that talking never really works with guys, only your actions will make them change their behaviour. Like if you continue going to his place and complain about the posters (or make faces at them, which is just a sort of silent complaint), he´ll just be annoyed. But if you refuse to hang out in his house from now on, he´ll get the message.
Don´t worry about your boyfriend being inmature, ultimately we have to teach everyone how we want to be treated - also the "mature" boyfriends!
Well, that´s just my 2 cents. Hope it helps some.

[beachbumbythesea]

Okay sweeties, here´s what my dad would say: better to apologize than to ask for someone´s permission. So I´d just have taken down the posters without asking, and then I´d have told him very politely (if he said something about it) that while I am there, I won´t accept looking at naked women. If he´d get angry, I´d just tell him to call me if he wants to see me without other naked women around and then leave silently.
The thing is to do this with your head very high, without doubts and of course with no fear of loosing him. See, sometimes guys are like horses or like those big dogs you have to teach who´s boss. If you are very certain of what you will and will not accept in a boyfriend, he will notice it and won´t try to talk you out of it (at least not for long). He will even respect you for it (there´s always this respect thing with guys, even when they´re older and supposedly more mature - you ALWAYS have to make yourself be respected, no matter how nice he seems).

If you do complain about the posters, but still hang out in his house, you´re telling him this:
- you don´t like it, it hurts you but you´re willing to put up with it for his sake
which means:
- you will stick with him even when he´s being an ass, so he can ultimately get away with a lot more.

Another thing is that talking never really works with guys, only your actions will make them change their behaviour. Like if you continue going to his place and complain about the posters (or make faces at them, which is just a sort of silent complaint), he´ll just be annoyed. But if you refuse to hang out in his house from now on, he´ll get the message.
Don´t worry about your boyfriend being inmature, ultimately we have to teach everyone how we want to be treated - also the "mature" boyfriends!
Well, that´s just my 2 cents. Hope it helps some.

Well put girl!!!!!!!!! You wrote what I was thinking but I couldnt put it into words..

[A-2-C]

Don't through eggs at me but here's my advice.

DO NOT take them down yourself! Even if he won't leave you, he'll be absolutely pissed. You've only been dating for 7 months. He has to protect his masculine freedom and pride and you'll hurt it BIG time if you cross that boundary.

What I suggest you do, is stop nagging him about it - completely drop it, don't bring it up. I know it may be hard for you, but just ignore them. At the good occasion (when you're both relaxed) or if he asks you why you don't say anything about the posters anymore, just tell him in calm and loving way, that you respect his freedom and though these posters are VERY hard for you to deal with, you accept and respect his right to keep them on. Also, apologize for bugging him about them before and it was wrong for you to be this way. Important: be really sweet about it and say it sincerely - you have to believe it. His reaction most likely will be that he will not say much to it or will look like he doesn’t believe you.

Then just wait. You'd be surprised, but it is likely that he'll take them down soon after. And even if not, your relationship will improve.

His male psychology makes him keep those posters on not as much because he likes them, but to prove his independence and masculinity.

Again, don't through anything at me girls, but it took me a lot of emotions and tears to learn and accept this way of dealing with men. And most times it works much better than disagreements. You can get things you want out of men with ease if you know how to go about it and he'll be happy to give it to you if you let him keep his male pride.