[Run.Rabbit]

Hi all,

So I'm having an issue with the boyfriend, but I don't want to talk to my close friends about it because I know what they'll say. We've been together for a little over 5 months and I'm kind of looking for an unbiased opinion...

The story:
We all went to a strip club, which I have no problem with. Within ten minutes he comes up to me and says "Hey I'm gonna go to the VIP room" so of course, I'm already mad at this point. He left me with his friends to go get a lap dance in the VIP room. He comes back, sits next to me and starts talking about how "she said that I could f*ck her for ten bucks. I thought about it." (He says he did nothing) I'm, of course, livid at this point.
I kind of get over it the next day, we have a great Sunday together and then I went home. Yesterday, I started thinking about it again. The big problems are: Why did he even ask her how much it would cost, and why in the hell did he even consider it for a second? Another problem is: He has told me a couple times about how much he'd like to have sex with a black girl. (And I have no problem with that, it just makes me feel insecure because I'm not). The stripper that he took back in to the VIP was black so...is that how he was going to get what he wanted?

When I confronted him about it last night, I told him that I was breaking up with him. He begged me not to, he cried, blahblah. I asked him those questions and he said that he took her back there because he wanted to see if she would do it and he said that he didn't know why he considered doing it. He said maybe because he was drunk on tequila and had a moment of weakness. I said that's no excuse. He said that he was also kind of joking about that, and didn't REALLY want to do anything but I'm having a hard time believing that just because this would be one of his fantasies. He says that he loves me, he's said it many times before this happened. I believed it then, but it's hard to believe it now. When you love someone, I don't feel as though you take a stripper to the VIP room to see if she'll bang you. He keeps telling me how it'll never happen again, and how he doesn't want to lose me, blahblah.
I feel as though this is pretty damn close to cheating.

What do I do??

[Isabelle]

Hi Run.Rabbit,

I think it's two different things. You are right you confronted him. Made clear that you will not tolerate this in your relationship. And then think about why this happened.

When you have made your position clear, it's a good thing to understand that these girls do not go into into a VIP room unarmed. Read a little on the forum of blackhairmedia.com, and you will understand that they put a lot of effort in looks. That forum got me into maca. I have a lot of teaser gear. I take good care of my skin and hair. Know all the teases and poses. Don't forget about perfume, lighting, and music.

I never went to a strip club myself: it's not that common out here. But when I was still going out in drag, there was a stripper girl among the public at our parties every week-end. She worked in a strip club, and on a trip to NYC, her boyfriend took her to a club there (don't really know why BFs do that). She got a lap dance herself, and told me that girl was good, and she could perfectly understand why this got men so excited.

Once you know how the world of teasing and dancing and seduction works, you can ask yourself if this has a place in a relationship. Personally, I think porn is outdated since Ariel Levy's "Female Chauvinist Pigs", and lap dancing is not forever either. The burlesque parties took off over five years ago in London, and here in Amsterdam they're still doing well now. I personally think couples should stay out of strip clubs, and look for more refined alternatives, where there are rules about engaging with customers.

After all, the kick of "look-but-don't-touch" works both ways. I can understand your BF is mesmerized by a play of teasing and seduction, but the spell should have been broken immediately when she said she was there for the taking.

[Run.Rabbit]

That's exactly my problem. I'm not bothered about the lap dance. I was actually a dancer myself for a very, very short period of time. (I didn't fit in because I wasn't good at soliciting myself! lol)

My problem is the fact that he asked her how much it would be to...do the deed. He said it was just because his friends had told him about it and he wanted to see if they would really do it. Then he said that "he thought about it" . I don't know if he was joking around with his friends, that is his sense of humor but still when I confronted him he said that "he didn't know why he thought about it" which leads me to believe that he actually did consider paying for it, even for just a moment.

I just can't get over the fact that he took a girl back there just so that he could see if she'd do it. Especially when I'm with him...it's like he completely disregarded the fact that I was there, or that I even existed. He was back out within ten minutes so I don't think that anything happened, I just don't understand why he wanted it to...

Thanks Isabelle, I really need someone to talk to about this because my mind is completely jumbled right now.

[Isabelle]

You are right, it just doesn't add up. I'd chalk it up to power play. She has power over him. He breaks that power by suggesting something, if she goes along with it. He tells a certain version of that story to his friends, and goes up in the pecking order. Then he gives you a certain version, thinking that will give him power over you.

Teach him a lesson. Did you see "Bitter moon" with Hugh Grant? It's a good how to. It shows why a woman always wins, once power play starts in a relationship. Watching the movie with him may be enough, if he's smart.

[Run.Rabbit]

Haha, I haven't seen the movie and I don't think he'd get it but I might check it out for myself.

We spoke again tonight over text because I have a lot of homework. I asked him the same questions over again. He said that he initially took her back there because he 'knew how guys talked and that sometimes it wasn't true' so he wanted to see if they were telling the truth. And he thought she was cute so he wanted a lap dance from her. He said he thought about it because when she said ten bucks, he thought "wow, I could have a fantasy come true". He said that he was thinking about me the whole time and he knew that if he went through with it, that he would lose me and he didn't want that so that's why he didn't do anything. I asked him other stuff like why he should get another chance and blah. He sent me these long-winded texts about how he wants to make me the happiest girl n the world. Just everything that a girl wants to hear. I told him that I can forgive him as a person, but I don't know if I can forgive him as a boyfriend and that I need a long time to think.

I really, really torn right now as to whether to dump his ass or not...

[ahla]

You know that gut twisting throat weighing down feeling you get when you're being treated less than special and valued by your man?

You should never have that feeling with your partner. If you would not treat them that way, there is a man out there that wouldn't treat you that way either. I'd go for him

[melissa4u]

Hi Run.Rabbit,

Why would he tell you he wants to have sex with another girl??
Ummmm, you're his girlfriend and you are the only one he should have sex with. What the hell? I dont get it!

It seems to me that he wanted to make you jealous. First, he gets a lap dance privately from her and the he says oh by the way I could have had sex with her if I wanted to. It's as if he doesn't really care about your feelings.

I have had man problems too but nothing like this and honestly if this happened to me, I would dump his ass so he knows that I am not a toy for him to play with my emotions.

I think you should really think about it, if you can move on without him or not, if not, then you probably really love him.
Whatever decision you make, A question you should ask yourself is "Will I regret it"?
When a man sees a weak woman, all they do is step all over her, you need to be strong and stand up for yourself.

Ok, he has done this in front of you, what about what he has done behind your back??

[Run.Rabbit]

You know, I'd be worried about the fact that he's screwing with my emotions except for the fact that I really think that he does love me. Most guys who are douchebags won't cry over a girl when things go awry. I could tell that he was crying the whole time we were talking...
However, his actions of course have said otherwise. We're both young (22), and he drinks quite a bit. Don't get me wrong, I do too but I keep my wits about me. He admitted last night that this ordeal has made him realize that he needs to change, a lot. He keeps telling me that he can change. He keeps telling me that he knows he made a huge mistake and he wants to prove to me that he can change and he can make me the happiest girl in the world. Half of me believes him, because he's just so damn sincere when he says everything. I really think that he means all of it, but the other half of me feels as though he's not going to follow through and that something like this will happen again.
I'm pretty sure that I was starting to fall in love with him too...

Fhfggtpfft. Love sucks.

[melissa4u]

Hi!
Since he sounds sincere and you know hat he does love you, maybe you should give him a second chance. From the sound of it, you really care about him and love him.

Everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect.
If he continues this bad behavior of his, I say move on, but if this is his first mistake, maybe you should forgive and forget. You don't want to regret your decision. Even if you do stay together, it's good that you let your foot down and told him your feelings and emotions about what happened, so he knows not to do anything like that again.

Be very clear to him that you are going to give him a last chance at trying to make it right.

Run.Rabbit, I wish the best for you and good luck with everything!!!!

[Bibi]

Oooh, I´m so sorry you went through all this, Run.Rabbit! I can imagine how painful it must´ve been, not to mention if there were friends around.

I agree that a guy like that isn´t worthy of your time, I mean, why is he even your boyfriend if he can´t keep away from a lapdance when you´re there? Guys probably fantasize all day about other women, no problem with that, but if he´s expecting you to be his girlfriend, there should be some kind of reciprocity (is that the word?). It´s just a matter of respect. You shouldn´t have to worry that he isn´t able to fulfil his fantasies because of you, you should feel like you´re the best thing that ever happened to him!

So what I´m thinking is that there must be a reason why he still has a hold over you after treating you so poorly. I think there is a part of you that is so mad that you never want to see him again, but then another part feels like you can´t break up with him because it would be like admitting to a failure. Sometimes we hold on to bad relationships precisely because they are bad, it´s like we need to correct them to feel good about ourselves again.

But of course, in this situation he is the one who needs to make those corrections. So my advise would be: let him make all the efforts. Don´t push your feelings of hurt and humiliation aside. If you feel like you don´t want to talk to him, don´t do it. Giving a lot of explanations will make you feel worse, so just tell him you need to be alone for a while or whatever. If he really cares about you, he will do everything he can to win you back. Believe me, he´ll freak out only if he sees that you´re taking some distance from him, not if you force yourself to believe all his promises. Then, just proceed slowly. Don´t get involved with him right away, remember all the time that he has to prove himself to you. And that people only treat you as poorly as you let them!

I think some guys, especially when they´re young, will do these kind of things to test you. Something like Lets see how much this girl will put up with. Some kind of power game, you know? Not because they´re mean, but because that´s how they behave among each other. I read somewhere that for men, being respected is more important than being loved, so they´re constantly measuring themselves to each other. So women should keep that in mind in their relationships with men, and not assume that "love" means the same to them.
I wish you the best of luck and take care of yourself!