[pingpong]

Hi GasolineRainbow!

I just read through your thread and felt compelled to tell you that you sound like a very sweet, loving woman, and I'm so sorry to hear that you've had such an arduous path to follow!

I have been in an on/off relationship for three years now which has slowly eroded my confidence and self esteem over time, so I subscribed to this dating advice email service because, although I'm super commitment phobic and do not want to be in a relationship right now, the authors have a lot of good advice on how to raise your self-esteem and confidence in order to make wiser life decisions in general.

In any case, the last email I received really resonated with me and after reading your thread I thought it might help you as well. Not all of this advice pertains to my situation and I'm sure it's not 100% on the mark for you either (seems as though both of us still want to be with our men at this point, silly us! ) but what I took away from this is that even though you may love someone dearly, you have to love yourself more and always, ALWAYS put your heart first. If it's meant to be then he'll begin to change his behaviour accordingly, and if not then you must remember that how you are being treated is up to YOU as you can only be treated like shit if you allow this to occur without any consequence.

Okie anyway here it is, enjoy!

Today I'm going to get right to the heart of what can leave women emotionally devastated in or after a relationship, sometimes for years.

And I'll talk about how you can avoid it completely (or if you're in it, free yourself.)

So yesterday we were discussing how you fear losing the relationship and so you put up with actions and behaviors that you consider unacceptable.

In this scenario, you never would have gotten into a relationship with him if the relationship started out like this. His behavior transformed gradually over time. Your self-esteem gradually lowered over time.

And now, you can't believe you're in this spot... but every step of the way, you were quietly moving further down this path.

It was gradual, so you didn't notice things were steadily getting worse. Maybe you blamed yourself, maybe you tried to block noticing it from your mind...

Now you don't stay in the relationship because it's good. You stay in it because you've invested so much and you're starving for his love.

You fictitiously believe that there MUST be something there... why else would you tolerate such torture? Why else would you be so hungry for his love and nobody else's?

Unfortunately, the more unacceptable behavior you accept, the further down that path you go. As this continues, he respects you less and less... and a man can't feel love for a woman he doesn't respect.

You become taken for granted - he knows you'd do anything for him no matter how he acts. You're more a permissive, spoiling mother than a desirable woman now.

Worse, you can't even respect yourself. You don't know how it got to this point, but here you are feeling desperate, powerless and weak. You start to feel like you must deserve it... You start to feel like you lost a part of yourself.

When he inevitably leaves you for another woman, you are devastated. You sacrificed every respectable part of yourself because you were afraid of losing him. You accepted anything because you believed he had something that you couldn't get anywhere else.

This is where people break - they become embittered, resentful and militant towards the opposite sex. They become self-destructive, heartless or numb. They can no longer trust or take their guard down.

More than a fear of losing love, they've replaced it with a fear of where needing love might take them.

As long as you're self-sufficient and don't allow yourself to buy into the lie that a relationship can give you something you can't give yourself, you'll be fine.

Fulfilled, whole, self-sufficient women never have to worry about being devastated because they would never accept unacceptable treatment.

They do not need to be unpleasant about it either. They are not intimidating, accusatory or argumentative - they simply realize that they have choice and don't NEED a relationship, they just want one.

When you just want one and don't need it, you get to choose your relationship. And when you have choice, THAT is when you ultimately get what you want. Mastering your life comes before mastering your relationships.

But what if you've already been through the wringer?

What if you've already been led far from the shore and left to sink in the ocean?

What if you already feel devastated by your last relationship but can't imagine ever being able to love anyone else or love again?

Well I'll speak to that as much as I can for the rest of this e-mail.

If you've been emotionally devastated in a relationship, it is proportional to the extent you feel you sold yourself out.

That is... the extent to which you accepted what you don't consider acceptable or attempt to be a person that you're not.

When we sell out and take a ton of crap from someone only to have them leave us, we can often feel that they TOOK a part of us.

And we can't move on from them because we want to get that part of ourselves back. It's no longer even about a relationship - it's the idea that they took a piece of your heart and you're no longer the whole person you were...

That is an illusion. Now that the other person is gone, they're just a ghost in your mind.

The "piece of yourself" that you lost wasn't taken away from him - it was your own disillusionment.

Reality forced you to see the truth and you could no longer maintain your illusions.

Your illusions were what helped you sleep at night. They were what comforted you and at times excited or inspired you.

Your suffocating urge to "get the piece back from him that he took" is really your wish that you could get your innocence back. It's your wish that you could "un-grow" and "un-know" what you experienced.

This is what some call the "Peter Pan" effect - instead of finding a greater perspective and scope to pursue your life and relationships from, you try to force yourself to be the younger, innocent, more naïve person you were before all the pain.

The only way forward is to find that magical perspective where you can be OK with what happened and accept it - without bitterness, without sadness, without hate. It doesn't mean you liked it or wanted it. You just accept it and stop endlessly fighting it.

You must realize that the other person holds nothing. Your belief that his validation will allow you to reclaim your confidence is a complete lie and illusion – it will only lead to further devastation (it's the same pattern after all.)

Life moves forward whether we like it or not.

I'd love to say more on this, but we're out of time today. More to come soon.

Sorry for the long post but I hope this helps! Best wishes!!!

[gasolinerainbow]

Quick update. Pregnancy test result from three weeks ago was positive. Didn't want to say anything here until I was sure about how I felt etc. Etc. Because I'm fed up of bombarding people with my indecisiveness. Anyway, about a week ago I started bleeding extremely heavily. I took another pregnancy test today and the result was negative. I don't know how or why. Stress maybe. I don't know, maybe it's for the best.

I think the only thing that I changed in the last week was starting back at all the sports I used to do and doing a lot of physical work during the day. I could have overdone it. I've booked in at the doctor's the day after tomorrow to see what they say.

Everyones' comments over the past month gave me a lot to think about. I'm still with my partner and things are still better than they ever have been. I have no idea how or why. It's like he's suddenly grown up. The only thing wrong with our relationship now is I still have all the same hang ups about my body. Kind of hard to have a normal functioning relationship when I hate him touching me intimately.

On an NBE note, I have run out of everything except my nib fab bust fix. It doesn't work half as well without PM. I really notice a difference without my PM spray or tablets. I can't afford anymore just yet because I have to save at the moment.

My boobs haven't fallen below a 34D which is great. Well, the left one is more of a large C but I'm overflowing all C cups.

Anyhow, this update wasn't half as quick as I intended but I've run out of things to say now. Feeling thoroughly down, going to see if I can find a fennel tea bag lying around and then go to bed.

[gasolinerainbow]

Hmm, I think I'm going to mix up some of that booby batter I used to make. Just found a jar of fenugreek tablets. Time to smell like a curry all over again.

[Isabelle]

Aww gasolinerainbow,

I'm so sorry to read that. But one in three first pregnancies goes wrong, only nobody tells you beforehand. You will mourn, and it will be hard because you can't share it with him. But if this is any comfort, it would have been harder if it happened later. And your body learned from it just the same. Just read up about sports, physical work, folic acid, alcohol, and unpasteurized cheese before next time.

I'm really happy that your relationship is looking up. And the hangups, well, you already convinced us that your body works with you to look fabulous any way you want it to. It won't be long before you see it too.

[gasolinerainbow]

Thank you Isabelle. I'm sure it would have been worse later on, I was barely used to the idea of being pregnant before it ended, I suppose lucky I went to the doctors though. Turns out I have a severe infection that spread from the urine tract to my stomach, kidneys etc. and my body was in no state for carrying a baby apparently I've had problems with the waterworks for years now and the doctors have never been very helpful so I didn't think anything of it, but this time they were quite concerned. Funny what you have to go through before they decide you're not raving mad.

The doc also told me that I shouldn't be doing any heavy physical activity but that is, unfortunately, the nature of my work. I don't get sick leave because I'm paid out of a budget for the hours I put in, so I don't think I'll be resting anytime soon

Still haven't got round to making my new boobie batter. And I must admit, as summer approaches and the well-endowed women of the world slip into their ever skimpier clothes, I am starting to feel more and more self-conscious. Padded bras are all very well but I'm the only one still wearing a bra round here!

I was quite looking forward to a pair of pregnancy boobs...
... And maybe a little girl or boy

Goodness, I'm forever 'woe is me'ing on here. Just think, one day it will all be the past. Happy growing x

[Quest4boobs]

Wow, I just read this thread and it is a SAGA. Your strength and your spirit come across very strongly.
My Mother had a very late miscarriage before she had any children. Late and gruesome and terrible. She said she could feel the child from the time of conception, that she could feel that it was a little boy, that she could feel his spirit, his nature. After the miscarriage she didn't get pregnant for another 6 years, with my older brother. She said that from the moment of that conception, she could feel that it was the same little boy, the same spirit in her belly. She said that he came back, decided it was time. My mother is not a religious woman.
You'll have your little baby when it's right for both of you.
Keep on truckin!
I don't know where you live but in regards to the nip+fab bust fix, I was at shoppers drug mart a couple weeks ago and they were selling clearout on the nip+fab holiday pamper packs (bust fix, tummy fix, and dry leg fix) for $10 CDN each!
I went back a couple days ago and got the last one in stock, so they're probably running low all over but maybe you could see if you can find one of the holiday packs on clearance somewhere that carries the line.

[JustintoMe]

I've been on a lurker on this site for sometime now. Haven't really been moved to post since there seems to be a wealth of knowledge here. But after reading your thread I must say that I wish you the best with your NBE, and more importantly, in life. I suggest that you focus on your health (emotional, mental and physical). Please share your miscarriage with a friend, I would hate for you to become depressed again in the future because of it.

All the best,
BriLaw

[gasolinerainbow]

Hi Quest4boobs! I feel like I'm living in a soap opera at the moment :/ just floating around trying to think that it's not really happening to me. I'm sorry to hear about your mums late misacarriage that must be truly heartbreaking. I can't say I could feel my baby's spirit or nature, the only real difference for me was, weirdly, I suddenly felt much healthier.

I live in the UK and unfortunately we don't seem to be having any nip+fab sales at the moment everything happens in America first I'm a bit upset because my boobs are the smallest they've been in ages. The right one is still a C and the left one is probably a B again. Literally like dropped a cup size overnight. Maybe it's the antibiotics. I hate taking them.

Thank you for your message BriLaw. I think you're right, I should focus on my health. I've been trying really hard not to get too down. Normally when the depression comes on it's pretty obvious from mess building up in my house. Everything will be spotless and in a weeks time it will suddenly look like something from one of those awful TV shows, so I've been tidying religiously which is very unusual for me. Trying to make positive differences, and keeping myself occupied. As for sharing my miscarriage with a friend... I'm not going to make any promises I don't think there's anyone I can talk to about that kind of thing.

And to everyone: I cannot reiterate enough how much I hate antibiotics. I only agreed to take them on this occassion because I just wanted something, anything, that might help. And apart from making me utterly nauseous they did... Until I woke up this morning. It's always when the course is about to come to an end. Makes me wonder whether they were really helping at all. Or just ruining my NBE >

[Quest4boobs]

It is not uncommon for miscarriages of highly anticipated pregnancies to leave a woman with post traumatic stress. Brilaw is right,
you must talk to someone. You should talk to people you love. They will know by your behavior that something is wrong, and may feel hurt that you will not share your feelings with them and accept your help. People who love you are your first line of defense against self-destructive behaviours.
If you really feel you are not comfortable talking to family/friends, call an anonymous grief support/crisis line. I have done this in the past, and it was the first step towards normalizing. Your call will be held in complete confidence.

[gasolinerainbow]

I really don't think I'm going to talk to about it to anyone anytime soon... But I'm channelling my energy into a new project

I've opened a blog about gender equality>> www.ibelieveingenderequality.blogspot.com

And it has nothing to do with NBE persay, but if any of you have the time or the inclination

If any of you read it and assume I'm gonna stop with my NBE, I'm not (: it's for me. I enjoy it. Aaand I just got paid more than I expected and can invest in some more PM and progesterone cream. And my massaging is going very well, and I'm back at kung-fu (I may have already said that - I'm repeating myself a lot lately on here).

But yeah feeling very inspired. Well update with some photos and/or measurements soon. x