[Jessica Leigh]

I have been surfing the forum for about 2 weeks now.

I'm male, an occasional CD, and recently had a crisis to transition MtF. My on-off-on desire to transition has existed since at least the time I was 6 years old. But now as i approach 40 with a wife and 2 kids I find myself at a crossroad. Since joining the forum I have read many amazing threads and posts. It is comforting to realize there are other people out there with the same feelings, thoughts, emotions as I am confronting now.

I don't know when I will post a pic. My iPhone takes an image that is to large (any one have a fix for that), but my PM regimen, although very very low is helping ease my transition desire. We'll see what other side effects it brings...

Cheers,
J

[bugle dodo]

Hi Golus,
Everything you said about yourself is identical to what I'd say for myself. Married, two kids, early desires and at a crossroads now. I came here a week ago hoping to indulge my fantasy but learned how PM might be able to help me live comfortably in my male body. I ordered a bottle but I'm still waiting for it. In the last few months, my thoughts continuously dwell on transition, my cross dressing is constant and my autogynephilia is rampant.

Last weekend, everything came to a head and I was bursting with conflict. I had to talk to my wife about "it" ...again. It was a long scary talk about me transitioning, my dreams, her dreams, what she would do if I had SRS (she'd leave) and what she thought I should be aware of. Later, she found a Christmas picture of a family we know in a hidden place and accused me of having a "thing" for her. That really hurt me and combined with seeing the prospect of divorce so close, I was completely torn up. The picture was special to me not because I have a thing for the wife but because their daughter is 17, very pretty with everything I envy at her fingertips (prom, boys, dating, marriage, pregnancy etc). It wasn't about lust but rather envy.

So by Saturday afternoon, everything was in shambles. I went for a drive and ended up breaking down in tears. There was a song on the radio about how God changes us but it didn't seem like He is willing to change me in either direction. I'm just tormented here in the middle somewhere between female and male. I'd be happy to go either way but embracing masculinity would be a lot easier. When I got back from my drive, my wife, bless her, was broken too but not in such a way that she wanted to leave, instead she was drawn to me, empathetic and soft like never before. It was like I got a new best friend. Someone to help carry my burden instead of just being aware of it. We are closer today than we have ever been in our 20 years together (how appropriate for Valentine's day). As for God, I know He is intimately aware of my pain, loves me despite my flaws and, for whatever reason He chooses not to "change me", He is WITH me and has given me a wonderful person to help carry my burden.

I'm really rambling on in ways I didn't think I would when I started but hopefully, this has been encouraging to you in some way. There are many like you and whatever you choose to do or whatever happens to you, you have a friend if you want one.

about the pictures... I don't use an Apple so not sure if this translates but when I launch the camera on my android, there's a menu that allows me to change the resolution and thereby reduce the size of the image.