Just want to share some feelings about my life and cry a little.
BUT ONE WARN, im religious, so i will talk about faith and religion too, if you dislike that you can read other post somewhere else. My opinions may offend someone, i hope i do not, but i will try to be the most sincere as possible, but please dot offend me.
Well, my first memory is about people telling that i was too much girlsh and that rooted on my head.
Through my infance i dont remember acting girly or nothing estrange, my mom said that i liked to play with her bras when was around 4, thats commom right?
On school, some boys abused of me, there was one day that around 4 boys was stopped on the way to go out the class, and i was passing, so they put their fingers in my ass, that made me crazy, so crazy that passed almost 20yrs and i still feel bad, later that another boy come to me and hit my balls, i started to cry and was going to fight them but the boys didnt let me to, saying i was too weak, the agressor said "i saw other boys playing with you, i thought i could too", think i really died that day.
After that i started to experience cross dressing and masturbating, i was 12.
But always felt like a worm, like my father used to call me, like a little plague, something that should die.
One cousin tried to rape me, but i wasnt understanding what he was doing and another cousin take him away from me. I only understand after 10 yrs.
One year later i changed of school and there was a gay professor of physics, and he had a crush on me. It was like a trap. My mom always said he was gay and it was for me to stay away from him, but, they put me on that school to play footbal and the gay was the coach, and my dream was to be a footbal player, just to show everybody that i could be someone. The rest i think you can imagine.
Always had social problems, always felt alone.
Things always is hard. Talk to people is hard.
I was falling, felt like my life was destroyed, so i wanted to destroy everything.
On that time i knew Kurt Cobain, and my dream turned to be a rock star and later suicide to make people suicide with me and leave a big scar on the world.
But i met a girl who really liked me. And she wanted to be my Courtney Love.
I had a long hair, but my mom used to hate my hair, one day i wished to cut the tips and asked for her, she cut all.
Time passed, i married, she saw that i liked to see porns and like to being girlish sometimes. But, there was much more problems, me and her were alones on a big city far away from our fathers. We broke and ended later. She said that i will die alone.
On later days, sometimes i can take my life focusing on work, but if i stop focusing i fall. I think that i always fall. I really dont like to know people, sometimes its like i dont know anybody and im alone.
Well, its some of the most hardcore of my past.
For me, all my problems are because of my past.
But, and now?
What means victory?
I feel really confused sometimes, when im near males, almost always, i feel nervous/afraid/unconfortable and when im near females i feel ashmed/pervert.
Almost always when people start to talk about past its sux.
When i decide to live as man, my life looks so sux like on black/white and its like i would really not have a life, i mean, use all my time to earn money to pay things for a wife who will always want more and offend me.
When i decide to live as female there are all the problems like who will stay at my side, what i will do to live, where i would find help...
But if i choose to be female, thinking, its more like that im letting all the people who made me suffer win, i feel too sad.
But if i like too much of boobs inst it because it makes me excited?
Sometimes i feel like i could have orgasmos only thinking about my breasts, it makes me feel ashamed. Isnt it a perversion? But girls are so sexy, all about them, their clothes, make-ups, their laughs, their kindness, their happyness, their passion, their friendship... I have nothing.
I had a dream with Jesus other day, he gave me a cricket to eat, when i eat i start to have a sex change, its was so real, i saw my breasts growing under my t-shirt and my penis disapearing, that made me so happy, so i found some lingeries, i was going to try them but i woke up.
Jesus said that we(his church) are his wife, but im not a woman, i really wish i was, but im not.
I know its just a way of talk, but i would like to be a real wife sometimes.
Its like, if someone treat you like a woman and you are a woman, its ok.
If some boy abuse of a girl, someone will fight him.
But what God think about it?
But who im I to want or understand God's will?
How a human can understand God if a human is not able to even understand another human?
Every live being is God's creatures, so why God make some suffer so much?
Well i didnt suffer too much, maybe im exaggerating, for sure there are people on conditions much more worse, but, im unhappy and depressive, maybe all my life i was that way and sometimes i feel like my life will end up that way.
Sometimes all i wished was a can of sorrow to deposit all my concerns...
But someone to try to console me would be very nice.
If you read all, thank you very much! I love you and God bless you.
And i will like to read what you think.
Sorry for my bad english.
BUT ONE WARN, im religious, so i will talk about faith and religion too, if you dislike that you can read other post somewhere else. My opinions may offend someone, i hope i do not, but i will try to be the most sincere as possible, but please dot offend me.
Well, my first memory is about people telling that i was too much girlsh and that rooted on my head.
Through my infance i dont remember acting girly or nothing estrange, my mom said that i liked to play with her bras when was around 4, thats commom right?
On school, some boys abused of me, there was one day that around 4 boys was stopped on the way to go out the class, and i was passing, so they put their fingers in my ass, that made me crazy, so crazy that passed almost 20yrs and i still feel bad, later that another boy come to me and hit my balls, i started to cry and was going to fight them but the boys didnt let me to, saying i was too weak, the agressor said "i saw other boys playing with you, i thought i could too", think i really died that day.
After that i started to experience cross dressing and masturbating, i was 12.
But always felt like a worm, like my father used to call me, like a little plague, something that should die.
One cousin tried to rape me, but i wasnt understanding what he was doing and another cousin take him away from me. I only understand after 10 yrs.
One year later i changed of school and there was a gay professor of physics, and he had a crush on me. It was like a trap. My mom always said he was gay and it was for me to stay away from him, but, they put me on that school to play footbal and the gay was the coach, and my dream was to be a footbal player, just to show everybody that i could be someone. The rest i think you can imagine.
Always had social problems, always felt alone.
Things always is hard. Talk to people is hard.
I was falling, felt like my life was destroyed, so i wanted to destroy everything.
On that time i knew Kurt Cobain, and my dream turned to be a rock star and later suicide to make people suicide with me and leave a big scar on the world.
But i met a girl who really liked me. And she wanted to be my Courtney Love.
I had a long hair, but my mom used to hate my hair, one day i wished to cut the tips and asked for her, she cut all.
Time passed, i married, she saw that i liked to see porns and like to being girlish sometimes. But, there was much more problems, me and her were alones on a big city far away from our fathers. We broke and ended later. She said that i will die alone.
On later days, sometimes i can take my life focusing on work, but if i stop focusing i fall. I think that i always fall. I really dont like to know people, sometimes its like i dont know anybody and im alone.
Well, its some of the most hardcore of my past.
For me, all my problems are because of my past.
But, and now?
What means victory?
I feel really confused sometimes, when im near males, almost always, i feel nervous/afraid/unconfortable and when im near females i feel ashmed/pervert.
Almost always when people start to talk about past its sux.
When i decide to live as man, my life looks so sux like on black/white and its like i would really not have a life, i mean, use all my time to earn money to pay things for a wife who will always want more and offend me.
When i decide to live as female there are all the problems like who will stay at my side, what i will do to live, where i would find help...
But if i choose to be female, thinking, its more like that im letting all the people who made me suffer win, i feel too sad.
But if i like too much of boobs inst it because it makes me excited?
Sometimes i feel like i could have orgasmos only thinking about my breasts, it makes me feel ashamed. Isnt it a perversion? But girls are so sexy, all about them, their clothes, make-ups, their laughs, their kindness, their happyness, their passion, their friendship... I have nothing.
I had a dream with Jesus other day, he gave me a cricket to eat, when i eat i start to have a sex change, its was so real, i saw my breasts growing under my t-shirt and my penis disapearing, that made me so happy, so i found some lingeries, i was going to try them but i woke up.
Jesus said that we(his church) are his wife, but im not a woman, i really wish i was, but im not.
I know its just a way of talk, but i would like to be a real wife sometimes.
Its like, if someone treat you like a woman and you are a woman, its ok.
If some boy abuse of a girl, someone will fight him.
But what God think about it?
But who im I to want or understand God's will?
How a human can understand God if a human is not able to even understand another human?
Every live being is God's creatures, so why God make some suffer so much?
Well i didnt suffer too much, maybe im exaggerating, for sure there are people on conditions much more worse, but, im unhappy and depressive, maybe all my life i was that way and sometimes i feel like my life will end up that way.
Sometimes all i wished was a can of sorrow to deposit all my concerns...
But someone to try to console me would be very nice.
If you read all, thank you very much! I love you and God bless you.
And i will like to read what you think.
Sorry for my bad english.
